Saturday, August 9, 2008
Sunday, August 3, 2008
You may or may not be aware, that your Happy Harriet won the Witanagemot
blog award last weekend for Best New Blog*.
Yes and I did this without even advertising or begging for votes. Of
course the votes were rigged, Witanagemot is run by men of course, so they
only offered me the 3rd place position, number 1 - Letters from a Tory was
not even a new blog and Number 2 - was written by odious Scotsman Tom Harris who
believes he "pipped" me to the top spot, what a jackass. It's not surprising seeing as he was
crawling around grovelling for votes and is actually a professional
journalist turned politician according to his wikipedia profile** while I
as you know was not particularly well qualified in anything before becoming an MP and
so am therefore the better blogger. It is common knowledge that anyone who starts from
a disadvantaged position is automatically better than anyone else they are competing with.
* There was a slight hiccup, as they originally gave it to my old, official blog - which isn't even new, duh!
**which he OBVIOUSLY wrote himself.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
I was so morose yesterday, wondering why I hadn't received any congratulatory emails from my blog readers. I just realised that I'd clicked on "Save Draft" instead of "Publish Post".
Whoops. I never claimed to be good with computers!
A birthday is the one day in the year, when a woman reflects back on what she's accomplished and speculates on what lies ahead in the future. Analysing the decisions , asking deep questions, e.g. "What is the meaning of life?" and so on.
Luckily I've never been given to much introspection. I prefer to congratulate myself on a job well done as often as possible.
For me life has always been about plodding on and bulldozing one's way to success. That is the secret to my unflappable yet gormless self-confidence.
Yes, people like Gwyneth Dunwoody might have begrudged me this. Sniping that I thought I was one of the chosen few, but dear readers, and I say this to you with the utmost humility : I sincerely believe that I was born to rule. I do!
Surely it can't be luck that I have managed to come so far in just 58 years?
Yes, yes, I know a lot of people don't like me and call me horrible names like Harridan Harperson or Harpy- something or other. It's been like that since I was a child when I used to push and shove the girls in the playground.
I suffered the mocking sneers of the oh-so-bright scholarship girls* as my teachers called me "not at all academic, not a jot remarkable and a bit dull". Do you have any idea what that does to a person? To have an accomplished mother disappointed that after attending the most expensive girls school in the country, I still couldn't get into Oxbridge and only graduated with a second class (lower) in politics from York University, hmmm?
Now you understand why my one goal in life now is to ensure that all unaccomplished women like myself get to rise as high as possible.
Well I showed them all, didn't I? I developed true grit.
I have proved that you don't have to be the best to win. How many people do you know who have QC after their names without ever actually practising any real law**? Exactly. And yet people continue to underestimate me at their peril.
The young whipper-snapper, Milliband has another thing coming if he thinks the Premiership is his for the taking. I always, always, always get my way. Sooner or later.
You may now wish me a Happy Belated Birthday if you please.
*Yes and where are they now, hmm? Are they about to become Prime Minister - DON'T THINK SO!
** No my days at the Civil Liberties Union were spent canoodling with Jack behind the picket line. This was so that I could eventually get union support for my parliamentary career but ssshhh.. dont tell him that!
Never mind the ceaseless mocking of me by Quentin Letts.
That puny little man is quite frankly a literary pygmy and his derisory attempt at "satire", has fallen flat seeing as everybody else ( ok The Mirror) has accepted that I am in charge for the week.
It all reminds me of another moment in time about 30-odd years ago, when a woman had to wrench the party leadership from an unpopular man of dubious sexuality. She too was mocked, you know.
I won't be wasting this rare chance of getting my way without having Gordon bitch over my shoulder. As he's not around and it's summer I've taken to dressing a little more casually as I go to my office in Number 10, releasing my inner slob if you like.*
Anyhoo, you might remember me discussing the need for more legislation to improve equality in this country since my not very well received** Equality Bill. Well, you've probably already heard, but I am currently working hard to make it easier for women to kill their husbands while removing the inexplicable provocation defence available for men to kill women. This is to even up the huge inequity dealt out by mother nature, that allows an angry jealous husband by sheer physical strength alone to crush his wife's skulll while the best she can hope for is leaving a nasty bruise, or taking an eye out! Well, Husbands will be sleeping with that one eye open** from now on and all because of me. I love my job!
*Also, the tracky bottoms are the only things that seem to fit these days.
** Go on Sarah Brown.... you know you want to. Just do it and you will never have to wake up to that scary smile EVER again
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Well, since you asked...It feels GREAT!
I gave a wonderful interview earlier, wearing my lucky jacket**, batting my eyelids seductively whenever a difficult question was asked. Gordon as usual was spitting as his reckless decision not to make me Deputy Prime Minister has done me no harm whatsoever as I am a much better performer than he ever will be. Never underestimate the power of the eyelids, people. Never. I learnt that from Princess Diana who is my idol (obviously!). It works like a charm every time.
Yes, I might have denied it in public, but this really is my moment.
*with a hint of jewish, although not enough to raise any eyebrows
** Overheard: Jacqui Smith thinks that I look like a fat cow in it. This from a woman who has yet to learn the subtle art of power dressing and thinks that getting her tits out is a sign of authority. The bitch will pay, don't you worry about that.
Friday, July 25, 2008
So....we lost Glasgow East.
I have to admit I am not surprised.
I knocked on the door of many a Glasgow oik, and I could tell that they were intimidated by my rank and femininity.
I had to keep an inane grin on (see above pic), as these filthy peasants slammed their doors in my face, and wouldn't talk to me unless i got a hairy Scottish oaf (Des Browne see below) to do the talking while the women kept back!
The ignominy! The SNP candidate meanwhile was invited in for cups of sugary tea. I knew then that all was lost.
The reason for this terrible result, as with most things in this country is sexism.
It is not a co-incidence that our recent beleagured candidates, Tamsin Dunwoody, Margaret Curran and even Wendy Alexander have all been women.
The men of Glasgow East, like those in Crewe clearly could not rise above their prejudice to do the right thing and vote for Labour.
Labour has done so much for this impoverished area which is quite similar to my own constituency of Peckham - I'd be just as likely to wear a stab vest around the Glasgow East council estates for instance.
With any luck this by-election result will be the last nail in Gordon's coffin and I can finally take over and become Britain's first female prime minster. I will then be able to implement more aggressive equality bills e.g all-women shortlists whenever there is a vacancy for a FTSE100 chief executive. I can assure you there would be no credit crunch if women had been making the decisions in the banks and companies nationwide.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
My regular readers will know that I have been planning to be Britain's first female Prime Minister since my first post on this blog where I proved that Margaret Thatcher was not really a woman.
It is therefore, extremely annoying when people like Guido insinuate that I've been"secretly plotting" to become PM. What secret? What plot?If you'd been paying attention you'd have spotted enough clues, you stupid men.
Isnt' it suspicious that I always manage to keep myself on the front pages, inspite of Gordon's attempt to banish me into the Outer Hebrides of the Cabinet? Hmmm?
- Wearing a stab vest to show how much I care about knife crime,
- Organising a hack of my own blog and then mysteriously being the first person to talk about it here*
- Getting those men in superhero suits to jump on my roof top (they got there again very early this morning, well done boys). This is a publicity stunt to ensure that nobody is talking about anything else but me before my 2nd take of PMQs this afternoon. Hopefully it will be as glorious and victorious as last time.
- Helpful articles by my friends in the media, Polly and Jackie.
You don't think all of this was a co-incidence do you?
Other clues have been more subtle , with the always helpful co-operation of the BBC, I managed to organise the insertion of Harriet "Jones" as Prime Minister in Doctor Who. This broadcast a subliminal message to the country that someone called Harriet will one day be Prime Minister. She is played by Penelope Wilton who is a dead ringer for me in case people get confused and start thinking of Jacqui or Tessa.
Harriet Jones is great and eventually saves the earth by giving up her own life. The BBC did insist sadly on her eventual annihilation by the Daleks (i.e THE EVIL TORIES). This is to ensure the general public was so traumatised by Harriet's Death on TV they will ensure that this does not happen in real life in the 2010 elections**.
*Duh.. Of course it was an inside job! This is not a spoof blog!
** And people say I don't think ahead?
Friday, July 4, 2008
The bill came as no surprise to those of you who read my blog regularly. I did mention it a few months ago. Anyway, here are
7 Reasons why the Equality Bill was needed.
1) My Legacy: Now that Labour may not win the next election, it is important that I leave behind something for people to remember me by.
Most people think it's just an addition, but actually my Equality Bill will replace all the previous equality legislation that has gone before it! Under the guise of replacing "complex legislation". Crafty old me.
History will be re-written and in the future, when little girls sit with their mothers in front of the fireplace asking "When Did Women become equal to men?", the mother will smile proudly, (with no mention of the suffragettes*), and reply "Harriet Harman Did That". I will be more famous than my favourite and most famous cousin, Neville Chamberlain.**
2) To increase my chances of becoming leader of the labour party: It really is quite tedious having to go through the hassle of getting elected and being qualified. Much easier to just change the rules so that a woman will be picked. Obviously there aren't any ethnic minorities who could even DREAM of running for party leadership or even (gasp) Prime Minister*** so there's even less competition.
3) To shore up my personal vote in time for the coming apocalypse: It is very important that I do something for the people in Camberwell and Peckham- most of my voting constituents as you know are female and occasionally black.
4) To end wage secrecy: Just for a laugh this one. Oh come on. What's the point of being a minister if you can't have fun with it? Haven't you always wanted to know what the person working beside or above you was earning!? I think it is important that people know these things. Unless of course it has anything to do with MPs pay and expenses in which case I will fight to the death using taxpayers money, even if it costs £200,000.
5) To avenge Jack: He was an abject failure, as Secretary of the Brent Trades Council in 1977 to win the Grunwick Dispute on behalf of the Asian Women. The least I could do was bring in a law that would help ethnic minorities and women without the evil boss dodging it by getting a favourable ruling from the House of Lords, full of stuffy, misogynistic white men.
6) To push through my all-black shortlists: I mentioned back in April the difficulties I was having. I did say I would think of a way to overcome the Race Relations Act didn't I? With any luck, there will be less obstruction this time. Pardon my language, but some of these minorities are f**king ingrates. I do them a favour and they feel patronized...as if they could make it without my help! Baffling! Sadly, not a single ethnic minority person even asked for this bill. As usual they need to be told what they want and when to want it.
7) To wrong-foot Gordon: He never wanted me to win the Deputy Leadership election you know, the bastard.
He has always sneered at women's issues and gave me the "wimmin's" department because he thought it would be powerless and I would be kept out of sight.
And there is a lesson there for all of you who make the stupid mistake of under-estimating Harriet Harman.
Yes, yes, I know working with this new law might be very inconvenient for those of you running small businesses but I've never let that stop me and I'm not about to start now.
To be honest, being born into an aristocratic family, I have never had to run my own business and tend to avoid associating with tradespeople wherever possible. Most of you really are tedious, endlessly complaining about "red tape" and whatnots.
So there you have it, people. Seven, honest, true reasons for the bill.
Let me know how you get on implementing, okay?
*In your face Dunwoodies!
** What? Don't tell me you didn't know!
*** And so it should be, people should know their place.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Thank you for all the emails asking for the next instalment.
I did not abandon you, dear readers.
My proxy server* broke down and I was very busy putting the final touches on my lovely Equality Bill.
I am pleased that so many people read this blog. Having said that, I am a bit worried that a good number of you come from the National Front and other white supremacist websites. Go away from my blog bad people!
Anyway, so much has happened since I last posted:
- David Davis resigned from his job as shadow home secretary and started snuggling up to Shami Chakrabati.
- We did very well in the Henley By-election, managing to beat Harry the Bear,Bananaman Owen and BOTH Independent Miss Great Britain Party candidates and I'll tell you now that everyone in the party heaved a sigh of relief!
- Some more people got stabbed in London and err... what else, oh yes.
- My EQUALITY bill, but more on that in my next post.
So yes, I'm back and will be writing more frequently as from now on.
Remember, if you're having trouble knowing when to check for updates...
Look to the sidebar on the right---------> and SUBSCRIBE TO THE FEED.
*Not that I know what that is of course!
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Today's letter comes from my No. 1 Fan*
9th June 2008
I nearly choked on my cornflakes this morning, reading about your imbroglio with Fathers 4 Justice. The ignominy!
I fully sympathise with your plight, it must be hard being Harriet Harman. I am so impressed by how in the last 3 months, you have single-handedly proved New Labour's commitment to this country's security. First of all, a thorough understanding of electronic security measures before the introduction of ID cards as aptly shown by your choice of such a secure password.
Secondly, you marvellously set a good example on the effective tackling of personal security issues, by wearing a stab vest in your own constituency. Finally yesterday, a clear demonstration of how well versed in anti-terrorism procedures our most important government officials must be, judging from the great difficulty, those 2 men in their costumes managed to climb onto your rooftop without rousing you from slumber! Presumably you left the front door open so they could get in without making too much noise...ingenious.
I do hope that you continue to grace the front page of my newspaper with your zeal and efforts. The Labour Party is lucky to have you.
So kind isn't she?
Thank you for your kind words. I do think you are being over-generous, at least one of those above incidents was regarded as a pretty monumental cock-up on my part, but if you didn't notice, then probably no one else did either, so shhhhh and tell no one!
It is nice to know that I have some fans out there and your emails are always appreciated. Please keep writing and let me know what initiatives and ideas you would like to see from me and the Department for Equalities and whatsits (I keep forgetting the name). Your suggestions are always welcome, especially as I have recently run out of new schemes to implement.
The Right Honourable, Harriet Harman QC MP
Leader of the House of Commons
Minister for Women
Minister for Equality
Deputy Leader of the Labour Party
Chairwoman of the Labour Party
Devoted Wife and Mother.
*I am judging from the frequency of her emails. To be honest, I can't tell if she's a real person or not. Best to err on the side of caution.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Grrrr.... It is Monday and the the rooftop terrorists are still there. I am now officially homeless. Unbelievable. All of Herne Hill is a buzz and my neighbours at number 22, keep pointing and laughing. These Fathers 4 Justice people really are taking things too far.
Some advice would be handy at this point. What would you do if you were me, dear readers, if some nasty oiks* climbed on top of your roof and started messing about?
I mean, HOW DARE THEY!? Jack of course, is completely useless in these situations **.
Ordinarily I would call the police, but as you can see from the picture, they are already there and doing sweet fanny adams.
It is amazing what our police service has come to. In the good old days, they would have climbed the roof, clobbered the intruders to death with a truncheon, doffed their bobby hats with a "'twas an 'onour to serve, my lady" and i would have tipped them sixpence or if they were lucky, a shilling. Now thy just stare at me gormlessly, muttering something about the Human Rights Act!
In the meantime, Jack and I will be awaiting your advice during our brief stay at the Ritz... ON EXPENSES.
*One of them is a driving instructor for goodness sake and the other is a stonemason!
**He only gets tough when he's part of a big gang, organising a strike somewhere and the other person is hopelessly outnumbered. Put him in a one-on-one situation and he'll wet himself. I know for a fact that I have kicked more ass than Jack.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
A mysterious group called Fathers for Justice have broken into my house and are bouncing about on my rooftop as I blog.
The horror of it all!
Luckily I am not at home, but in our more secure house in the countryside away from the rabble of South London (spit!).
This has completely justified my £200,000 legal bid* to keep MPs expenses private as I said on the politics show.
Publishing our addresses is a bloody security risk!
Yes, yes I know it would be very easy to find out that I lived on Winterbrook Road without having to dig into my expenses -my gobby neighbours at number 22 and 26 have seen to that! Although one can't blame them as it isn't easy living next to a celebrity especially one as posh as me. Sigh.
But anyway, why are Fathers For Justice attacking my home?
Probably because I opposed the new measures to make sure they will be named on their children's birth certificates?
If so, well what can I say? It never ceases to amaze me how ungrateful people can be**.
I am merely trying to spare poor children the embarassment of being associated with an undesirable father. There are many people who for instance would rather not have it known that their father was a Tory MP, or had been to prison, or even worse...both. Yes I do mean you, Jonathan Aitken. Look at the damage he has done to poor Victoria, who is now a table dancing rapper and was last seen shaking her bootie on a hip-hop video. What has Fathers 4 Justice got to say about that, eh?
*It failed, but no need to worry about me as it was taxpayers money so I'm alright, thanks for asking!
** 'Tis a well known fact that the greatest prophets such as myself will alway be rejected by their own
Friday, May 30, 2008
So who do they think is the most influential woman in the country? The Queen. Bollocks to that, I say. We're talking about a woman who only deigns to speak to her "subjects" once a year on Christmas Day when they most likely won't be listening anyway.
And number 2, dare I even speak the name of the he-monster that was Margaret Thatcher. The woman can't even speak, let alone stand on her own two feet, and she hasn't been in power for 18 years!! How could she be more influential than a living, breathing, legislating Harriet Harman? It makes me ill.
So at least I'm number 3 right? WRONG. I am still beaten by JK Rowling, a kiddie novel writer, Posh Spice (fair enoug)h, Shami Chakrabatty who bizarrely is more influential by doing the job I held 28 years ago, and Elisabeth Murdoch who only got there because of her family connections.
So I come in at number 8, just pipping Cherie Blair (how? how?) and Zaha Hadid who I'm sure none of you have even heard of.
What a load of Bollocks.
Besides, parliament was in recess, (again!) and that means that we MPs should be taking time off from our usual activities including blogging.
So, 10 points for whoever can guess what I've been up to this past week.
a) Trying to raise funds for the Labour Party* before it bankrupts me
b) Gathering up supporters to oust Gordon
c) Crushing Crazy Nadine's dream of being an influential politician
d) Sorting out my £23,000 payrise,
e) Recovering from the Crewe and Nantwich disaster.
f) All of the above.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
You probably haven't heard, but there is a by-election happening there, tomorrow.
It shows how inexperienced Labour is at running campaigns. They should have got me, winner of the 2007 Deputy Leadership election to do it. Instead they played the toff card. A big no-no and trust me, my Uncle was the Earl of Longford, never never talk about toffs. It always comes back to bite you in the ass.
Personally, I blame the problems on Gwyneth Dunwoody.
She should have named her daughter "Gwyneth" instead of Tamsin or Moyra*
That way people wouldn't have noticed it was someone else running.
Most people are forgetting that she spent her last years voting against government bills with the Tories. Gwyneth was a selfish old biddy, always putting herself and her constituents before the Labour Party. I bet she was a double agent and the loss of that constituency will make no difference whatsoever.
*Good Heavens, What was she thinking!
**BLOGGING MAY BE LIGHT TILL THE WEEKEND - PLEASE BEAR WITH THE INFREQUENT SERVICE.
Friday, May 16, 2008
I'd been thinking about how to fix this temporary dip in the polls and then it struck me...what Labour needs is a celebrity. Someone who can shore up our core vote and is a good role model for kids. So I looked in the phone book for a talent agency and asked who they could rustle up as quickly as possible. We were in luck. It turned out that Naomi Campbell is on bail for assaulting a police officer and would happily get out of bed for less than £10,000.
Female Vote - check
Black Vote - check
Tall Vote - check
So, I told Naomi on the phone that if anyone asks what she was doing there, she should just say "Women's Health Issues" -easily the most uncomfortable topic for aggressive male journalists. I also told her to say something nice about Gordon, something surprising like "he's a barrel of laughs" or " very jolly". Just watch the video to see how well she does
Naomi and Gordon have lots of things in common. She has been to anger management and he is known to get into fits of indescribable rage, so they got on well together and she gave him a couple of tips . She might even have given style advice to frumpy Sarah Brown while she was there.
When the world is beating at your door with a recession, inflation, tax palavers, housing issues, climate change, godawful election results and a suspiciously inconvenient by-election, Naomi Campbell is just the pick-me-up we need to take everyone's minds off the problems.
Besides the only other option was to go with Hazel Blear's idea An Apprentice/Maria/Strictly Come Dancing show starring Gordon, which I thought was completely bonkers - everyone knows Gordon can't sing or dance!* It just goes to show that when it comes to the Labour Party, truth will always out-parody fictional spoofs.
*or be in a competition where he's not the only contestant
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Yesterday someone took a picture of me while I was day dreaming about when I become Prime Minister. Don't I look smart and cute? Certainly a lot better than Jacqui Smith, who was struggling to pay attention to what Gordon was saying and is getting more haggard looking by the minute. The poisoned chalice position of Home Secretary is clearly taking its toll.
At least she's started covering up her cleavage a bit now. Personally, I think the only reason Jacqui ever got noticed was because she stuck her 36DDs out, very vulgar and totally deserving of that caricature on Headcases.
Speaking of which.. I wonder when they'll do me. Surely I am important enough to have someone spoof me by now?
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Undercover, that's where. It's a dangerous time to be a member of the labour party. We are not popular at all, not even with ourselves.
I really need to blog about something else other than Labour issues right now which are just too depressing. Something that will cheer me up. Hmm... Let's see.. How about Nadine Dorries? She's always good for a laugh. "Who?" I hear you ask. Exactly.
Nadine is a backbench Tory nobody (who as my constiutents would say, "thinks she is all that"). Whenever people complain about the poor quality of female labour MPs, I point smugly at the crazy lady sitting on the Tory benches who single-handedly makes us look like the army of competent intellectual professionals we know ourselves to be.
Yesterday, Nadine complained that another Tory MP, John Bercow, used BIG words that she didn't understand like p-r-e-j-u-d-i-c-e-d and then continues:
Antediluvian isn’t a word you hear much on the housing estates across Britain, so I had to ask what it meant*.
Well Quite. My personal experience is that you don't hear many words on housing estates, people there prefer to communicate by a series of grunts and growls.
I think it is rather rude of Nadine to speak ofthe working classes -her own people, in such a fashion. Perhaps someone should tell her that a housing estate is not the best place to go if one needs to improve one's diction.
It is shocking though. This is a word that is used many times in parliament. We tend to use a lot of big words in the house you know. It's not a place for illiterate old nurses. Clearly, she should have checked her dictionary during the debates then, not just assumed we were talking about some MP's relative! At least she she had the good sense to finally ask someone yesterday, even though she still got the meaning of the word wrong.
No, Dear. Before THE Flood. Not just any flood, or all floods, Nadine. Sheesh.
Presumably now she thinks that John Bercow was referring to her as something that happens before a flood -A sort of giant sandbag perhaps?
She then uses the word 5 more times (practice makes perfect!) although never seems to quite grasp its meaning.
The good thing though is that unlike me, Nadine does not allow comments on her blog, which means that no one will be able to correct her and we can all have a good laugh for a while. Yes Mid Bedfordshire, read it and weep. This is the woman YOU voted for, who represents your views in parliament. Remember that next time you write a letter to your MP and use simple words or textspeak.
*Will someone please get the woman a dictionary for Christmas? It is too risky letting her "ask somebody".
Friday, May 9, 2008
A complete waste of time as everyone knows they will vote Labour anyway.
The caseload is unusually high as well.
They must have seen me on BBC last week, saying how "determined I was to listen".
I wasn't talking to you, Peckham!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
The Labour Bloggers** and myself are now what's left of the London opposition to Tory Mayor.
Leading from the front is Bob Piper who has just discovered that Boris has hired a black person to be his Deputy Mayor. Yup, you read that right - Ray Lewis, a black person!
This is a shamelesss hijacking of Labour Party policy if I ever saw one. Everyone knows that Black people are a Labour thing.
I never thought the Tories would stoop so low and as Bob points out, this is cronyism of the worst kind - Look at the way they're hugging for goodness sake!
Just as he was announcing that he wants the focus of his mayoralty to be on youth gun and knife crime. One of the inconsiderate shits in my Peckham constituency decides to go and get himself stabbed to death. An altogether rather convenient death, wouldn't you say? No doubt organised by the Tory mafia!
*Yes I know there are other London Labour MPs, but you can't remember any of them can you? Exactly. Neither can I. QED.
**those of them that have regained consciousness and not living in denial
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
God help us.
I wonder what the new password is.
Whoever is writing it, is not even bothering to blog properly anymore. Just a to-do list of what I'm doing each day such as trying to solve the terrible problem of young people hanging around an estate.
I really should write a book about survival tips for a long-term political career.
I sent the following email to Labour party members during the chaos. Gordon really should have been writing it, but we didn't want to make things worse. You need someone who is able to write with plenty of meaning hidden between the lines. I have filled in the blanks for you below.
A heartfelt thank you to all party members and party staff who worked so hard in the elections on May 1.
Dear Peasants.. I mean Comrades! Thanks for nothing, which would have been better than your half-arsed campaigning efforts on May 1st.
Congratulations to newly elected and re-elected councillors and Greater
However, Congratulations to those of you who probably stood unopposed or at least managed to escape the slaughter and carnage by rigging the postal vote system.
It was good to see the gains that we made, including in Slough, Liverpool, Ipswich and
It was good to see that there are still some people out there who will vote for a donkey as long as it wears a Red Rosette.
But it was a tough night for the party in
To the losers who think that the night was tough, think again. We will probably be obliterated in the next general election and you can kiss goodbye to any hope of a peerage or parliamentary career or any advancement in Labour Party politics and all the perks that would have awaited you
and to Ken Livingstone who did so much in improving policing, housing and securing the Olympics
and to that odious little man who thought he was the Emperor of London, whose improved policing now means I can't go into my own constituency without a stab vest, and getting London the Olympics which are now costing £100 billion instead of £1 billion * and which your grandchildren will still be paying for 2062., Good riddance!
This election was dominated by the economy and it is clear that people are feeling the pinch.
The election was dominated by the fact that we removed the 10p tax band, to make things easier for the middle class and boy did those working class oiks feel the pinch!
As the Prime Minister said, "We have to listen as well as lead", this means listening widely and responding wisely.
As the Prime Minister proudly repeated the hypnotic meaningless guff that I taught him, remember that we are NOT a listening party, why? BECAUSE WE KNOW BEST! However as long as we TELL people that we're listening, then that's alright.
One consequence of the results of Thursday's elections is that there will now be closer scrutiny of what the Conservatives are proposing.
One consequence of the results of Thursday's elections is that there are fewer footsoldiers to deliver our leaflets in the next election.
People will have no choice but to read the Tory leaflets. Sh*t.
We will now step up our attack on the Conservative Party.
We will now step up our attack on them with the few wounded troops we have left.
As long as people remember that they are nasty and racists, we can continue to put up donkey candidates i.e you, my beloved comrades and keep winning elections.
Our values are clear and our commitment is strong.
Our values are clear enough and our commitment to remaining in power come hell or high water remains strong.
Working together we will make progress for the hard working families of
We haven't made much progress for the hard working families of
It is always darkest before the light at the end of the tunnel .
Thank you so much for your support
Deputy Leader of the Labour Party
Thanking you for your support in advance of the upcoming leadership election.
Don't forget to vote for Harriet Harman as Leader of the Labour Party after conference... YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN DON'T FIGHT IT!
*although that's partly Tessa's fault to be fair
I've been doing the rounds from studio to studio and comforting our people on the ground. After the scale of Thursday's election disaster, only a woman could do the damage limitation for Labour properly.
In testing times, people want someone to soothe and calm their nerves. Can Hazel soothe? (HA!) Can Jacqui soothe (don't think so!) err... who else is left? That's right. NO ONE. They should call me Harriet "Soothing" Harman.
Useless Gordon, wheeling me out at such an ungodly hour, 7:30am for pity's sake to make excuses for him while he cowered behind his desk.
I received an anonymous text while I was on air. "Do you have any idea how nauseating it is to have to listen to you say over and over and over again that Labour will be "more focused on listening to people and more in touch". The cheek! To be fair, I'm not sure anyone bought that rubbish. What Labour has to do is "listen and learn"?
What we really need to do is dump Gordon and get someone who isn't so bloody weird e.g. me.
Imagine it. If Gordon resigns... I would become by default, Britain's first female Prime Minister.
Don't worry though. I gave Macavity a piece of my mind and got him out there to face the music with his favourite interviewer Andrew Marr who doesn't have the balls to ask him tough questions. It did not go well. Clearly Marr's Dr. Jekyll wasn't in the building and left Dr. Jekyll to man the studio. Dear, oh Dear. Easily the most humiliating interview Gordon's ever had to do. Talk about kicking a man when he's down. Sick Stuff. At least Paxman is consistent!
Sometimes I almost feel sorry for Gordon, he had absolutely no idea what he was getting himself into, but I mustn't grumble as his loss is my gain. People would be crazy not to make me leader after the hash he's made of things!
I admit I have been giving Gordon lessons (out of pity of course) on how to deal with Cameron at PMQs, My "I will not take lessons from so-and-so" riposte has been working a treat, although I don't know if it is going to work this Wednesday. No line is fool-proof when you've got the lowest share of the vote for Labour in over 40 years. Tomorrow I will be sitting as far away from Gordon on the front benches as possible. It's the sensible thing to do.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Just stumbled on fresh-faced, blonde Tory candidate Charlotte Leslie's blog on The Guardian's Comment is Free.
It's a pretty humdrum blog, although on reading it, I can tell from my 26 years experience as a parliamentarian that Charlotte is a crazy in the making. The pretty ones always are :-(
Shame though. As any seasoned political observer knows there are only 3 ages to the female Tory MP -Babe, Junior Minister, and "Nadine Dorries". No one stays a babe for very long and others like Nadine manage to skip the whole ministerial thing and jump straight to Medusa.
Surely a fate worse than death.
Yes I know most of you are thinking, Nadine Dorries.. who?
I should explain, but where do I start?
*apologies for the late blogging. Only just recovering from traumatising Austrian father incest disgusto story. What is with those people and their bloody cellars anyway? Will take a while to shift those images from my brain which was unable to think of anything worth blogging about for a good 12 hours. That's the last time I read the metro in the morning!
Monday, April 28, 2008
In the middle of a very long and rambly post.
I guess the point is that the cotton bag gives the impression that it is doing good, when in fact it is not - like the Common Agricultural Policy, Greenpeace and Harriet Harman. - TrannyFattyAcid
Harsh. ..not that I ever liked Greenpeace.
Never mind that I've been blogging on and off since February about all sorts of things, some rather desperate people at StopBoris seem to think it was all a pre-planned right-wing conspiracy to boost Boris in the polls.
You give the Boris campaign too much credit, methinks.
Only one person comes dangerously close to the truth here... clever, clever. Must watch out.
I can tell they are desperate from their website colour scheme.
It looks like someone has been hacking at Boris with a meat cleaver.
These people don't want to stop Boris, they want to kill him.
Good Luck with that!
I am reminded of a great quote by Thomas Sowell, who as most socialists realise is an apologist for all evil who mostly talks rubbish but occasionally he comes out with some good stuff
It is true that by and large politicians (except me!) have no clue what is going on most of the time. Look at Gordon. Is that a man who knows what he is doing? Zackly.
What I don't know is where people get some of these crazy ideas from.
Boris is not a real toff. He never has been.
Sure, he talks the toff talk (no pun intended) but he wasn't born into a posh family like me or Hilary Benn. He's not even English! And he didn't even pay his school fees at Eton. Boris Johnson was a scholarship boy! No better than the riff raff that got a private education through the government assisted places scheme. I am so proud that I was part of the Labour Government that abolished those. Just because they're called "public" schools doesn't mean that everybody should be allowed to go there.
Labour believes in equality above all things. This means that all riff-raff should go to the same schools, not that some riff-raff start thinking that they are better than the others.
Back to Boris. His claim to pedigree is that he is the great grandson of some foreigner in a funny cap. Who? Exactly. There are no earls, dukes or countesses in the lineage of Boris The Great Pretender.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Was on Sky News yesterday morning.
Watch me admit my password was "Harriet Harman".
I wouldn't know that if I wasn't me, now would I?
There is a fool proof way to avoid interview hassle, you know. Just as there is a different one to blocking hostile, tough questions at PMQs.
Admit everything, act girly, bat eyelids - people will believe you're just a silly woman who doesn't understand teknologee.
They will then continually underestimate you and give you the upper hand, leaving them baffled, scratching their heads wondering how you manage to survive the political jungle.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
Of course I'm not joining the Conservatives and of course I'm not supporting Ken, er.. I mean Boris. Duh!
It's been a long day though. Phone ringing off hook.
Nothing from Gordon yet although he doesn't find anything funny.
No mention in Evening Standard, although I notice they managed to mention blogging nonentity, Iain Dale. Pah!
So perhaps I owe you good people an explanation.
Like I said yesterday, This is not a spoof blog.
This is pure, unmitigated Happy Harriet.
The truth is that the horrible (and exceedingly dull) Harriet's Blog
http://blog.harrietharman.org was not written by me.
Day in, day out I had to put up with the flavourless guff being churned out by Labour Party HQ. Surely you recognised their M.O?
I, at least would like to respond to the comments of my readers and my fans.
So I decided, enough was enough. Harriet Harman doesn' t need to put up with this crap!
And broke into the site.
No, I am not a script kiddie. Don't be so silly!
I didn't even have to guess the password.
Surely you don't think that Harriet Harman QC MP, would be daft enough to use -
on her official blog ?
Now the Labour Party.... that's another kettle of fish.
Who cares that "Labour's deputy leader visits showcase £30m PFI school in Oldham"? Or about my "Let's talk about where you live" event with Bolton women? People want juicy gossip. They want to know what I'm thinking and that is what I, Happy Harriet Queen of Hearts will give them.
Thank you all those who offered to buy me a drink. I'm touched, but really I must keep my head down, the rest of the parliamentary labour party is pretty pissed off right now. Maybe someday in the future.
And to all those desperate lefty trolls (that's you "Tory boys never grow up") who are gleefully hoping the police will be banging on my door sometime soon, well all I have to say to that is
*"Bullshit!", I said. April Fools' is for anyday in April. If it always happens on the 1st of April, then it's not a surprise is it? Everybody knows that!
**In case you're wondering, that's me sticking my tongue out at you.
For goodness sake, I'll say it once and once only....
THIS IS NOT A SPOOF BLOG!
It's what I like to call a complimentary blog. To complement my official one which is really boring, but which for legal reasons has to stay quite dull.
You don't believe me?
Go to my Real Blog Then and see if you don't find the same post about the defection.
For a limited time only, I have removed the comment moderation over there, knock yourselves out :-)
Thursday, April 24, 2008
The telegraph opinion polls for today put us on 26% that is 18% behind the tories on 44%!!
Labour is truly doomed.
The party is in pieces and on the verge of collapse.
This is certainly the last straw
Whoever's cleaning up the mess, IT CERTAINLY WON'T BE HARRIET HARMAN QC MP! I can tell you that now.
What a bunch of sorry losers! I will be moving to a party more in keeping with people of my social class thank you very much!
26 years canoodling with the oiks is more than enough and I need a breath of fresh air!
Stuff your 5 jobs Gordon, there is nothing you can say to keep me see you on the other side of the house*!
*I wonder if I have to write a letter to David Cameron asking to be in his party, or if I can just cross the floor and everything will work out?
You have to give it to those Herne Hill Conservatives. They sure know how to convince a woman.
The Boris Johnson leaflet is so pretty and glossy, how can i resist?
Especially when my own party is doing so badly, I didn't even bother showing up for Prime Minister's Questions yesterday. Harriet Harman does no't do losers. No Sirreeeee...
Gordon has refused to take any notice of the helpful tips I gave him about dealing with the opposition at the despatch box. To be honest, I think he might be a tad bit jealous of my success.
I am about to do something that I never thought I'd do. Poor Jack will not speak to me. I don't expect him to understand, given his background.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
I'll try and cover more "human interest" stories that will address the needs of the women in the blogosphere out there who want to read more on politics and social issues, but without the rant-wing writing* that passes for debate these days.
Yesterday, I decided to another "Harriet in the High Street" and chat with people at Brixton Market, Peckham being a bit of a no-go area after recent events, Brixton at least is on the way to Herne Hill so I pass by it often.
Unfortunately, as I exited Brixton Tube, I realised the main High Street was completely closed down. Apparently there'd been a terrible accident. It turns out that Naomi, one of the more colourful characters of Brixton Town Centre had been run over by a prison van.
I was surprised to hear from fellow accident gazers that she was just 30 years old. Looking at her, you'd think she was a youthful 55.
Naomi was a rather delightful person. Of course if you're not used to Brixton-type people, you might have found her intimidating. She was always seen laughing and shouting crazily in the gardens in Windrush Square, wearing her Marlboro Jacket and sometimes holding a can of "Tennants Super" although most times I'm sure it was Carlsberg Special Brew. Her favourite game was jumping into the middle of Brixton Road just as the lights turned green to scare the drivers.
The working classes certainly have an queer sense of humour, but it is not for me to question, only to accomodate.
It is a tribute to Lambeth borough and Brixton especially that such people find a comfortable place to be themselves. The van driver, obviously a nasty piece of work so ready to run over a harmless frail female just frolicking in his path.
R.I.P. Naomi, may you find space to gambol in peace in the great thoroughfares and busy arterial roads in the sky.
*My code for the right-wing ranting loonies. Aren't I clever?
What's the big deal about the 10p tax?
Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE is talking about it. Blogs, journos, just yesterday I was supposed to be addressing the Parliamentary Labour Party on Monday only to be nudged aside by Dear Gordon so he could tell everyone about why he wasn't backing down.
I don't understand what the big deal is, after all it's only 10p.
People who don't mind spending hundreds of pounds on handbags, suddenly complain about having 10p taken out of their pay packets.
It really makes you wonder about people's priorities.
I mean here's a rather nasty post speculating on why Labour did it.
Honestly, the cynicism of it all is unbelievable
Only a Tory would complain about us doing whatever it takes to reduce child poverty.
Even though she dropped out of uni, she was awarded an honorary doctorate from London South Bank University, one of the best universities in the country with a site in my very own consituency. In your face, swots!
Anyway, today, she analyses our prospects for next week's local elections in an incisive manner and has some good news about us probably winning Slough council! (yay!)
One of the things I love most about her is her ability to write lyrically and without prejudice about those ordinarily beneath her (a skill I am yet to master), teasing out their very essence. She writes:
meet Rob Anderson, local Labour leader and quiet local hero. He devotes his life to what he sees as Labour's municipal values. He is not rare, but an archetype of decent local politics. Son of a Sunderland shipbuilder who came south for work as a dustman and who died of asbestosis, Anderson is a 44-year-old accountant at the Slough Fujitsu offices. He was born and bred on the council estate he now represents, the same estate where Alan Johnson was postman**.
Lovely Stuff coming from one so noble, for as you know, Polly (like me) is related to aristocracy. Descended from an earl, she is!
Wasn't it Kipling who said:
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch, ?
True words indeed. Polly makes us all proud.
*In fact, Polly has many admirers, not least of all a certain Tim Worstall who manages to blog about her at least once a day in between the rest of his anti-woman commentary, the pig! It is an open secret in the blogosphere that Tim (who is not very brght) is madly in love with clever Polly but unfortunately his hatred of all that is female causes his love to manifest in a deranged and twisted form.
**I love her dig at Alan Johnson, who thinks because he was a postman and working class, he is the epitome of Labour. Well get stuffed, Alan! The Labour Party has chosen and it chose me, Harriet Harman QC MP and it was my breeding wot done it.
While I am often at our country house in Suffolk or doing walkabouts in Peckham*, we live in a lovely little pad in Herne Hill which is tucked away from the barbarians in Brixton but not as frightfully, middle-class as leafy Dulwich next door. Honestly! The things I do to fit in!
Funnily enough Tessa Jowell is my MP and I have to tell her what is going on here all the time as Tessa as usual really hasn't got a bloody clue. She lives all the way up across the river in Kentish Town in a house. Unlike mine, Tessa's mortgage is fully repaid but she is unable to maintain the calm, serene manner that is quintessentially Harriet Harman. She is aging terribly in case you haven't noticed.
Which begs the question....If Harriet Harman QC MP, niece of the countess of Longford, cousin to the Earl of Pakenham and Lady Antonia Fraser can live in Herne Hill then why can't bloody Tessa and her shifty mafia loving greaseball husband, David Mills?
I'll tell you why -because she has a lot to prove.
It doesn't matter where I choose to live, social class always tells in the end you see.
However, if poor Tessa chose to live in her constituency, people might realise that she is rather common.
*Ssshhh.. don't tell anyone I said so, but Peckham really is a rather ghastly place. Is it any wonder one needs protective clothing? Representing it is one thing, but actually living there, I mean really! There is such a thing as going too far.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
It's called Londoners would be mad to vote for Boris
As usual, Yasmin who is one of the greatest journalists of our time is spot on and a breath of fresh air. You really should read the article, it's all about how Boris is a great white nasty beast yada yada. There are some rather nasty comments about Yasmin in response to the article , it's no surprise the woman thinks all white people want to kill her**.
Anyway, this bit was most interesting:
Boris says whatever he thinks voters want to hear. None of it, nothing really matters. He must think people are fools ..... And there are people out there waiting to be fooled, among them a mate, a black social workerYou have no idea how annoyed I get when I read such things. You'd be surprised how often it occurs. A black person, social worker no less really should know better.
After all we've done for these people, bloody ingrates! We give them a council flat, a nice job doing care or social work, they start earning a bit of money and some tax credits and before you know it they are voting for the Tories. God Help Us.
**Sean Gabb to YBA: Yasmin, are you saying that the white majority in this country is so seething with hatred and discontent that it is only restrained by law from rising up and tearing all the ethnic minorities to pieces?
YBA (cowering) : YES!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Yesterday´s Independent had a wonderful article "If Women Ruled The World".
Fantastic Suggestions from the female contributors
Sweet Stuff from Catherine Townsend:
Women could look forward to screaming tabloid headlines about the merits of "stay-at-home fathers" versus "working dads" – and would be safe in the knowledge they could have children and a career, since affordable child care would be universally available.
Great Suggestions from Janet Street-Porter, one of the most sensible women on the planet.
All female prisoners (except those serving life for violent crimes) would be released to serve their sentences working in the community. Juvenile offenders would work in old people's homes and hospitals, helping to feed and clothe those less fortunate than themselves. Basic cookery would be taught from the age of seven. All public bodies, hospital boards and police authorities would be forced to appoint the correct proportion of women to their governing bodies. Any organisation receiving public funding, from museums to sports facilities, would have to do the same.
Broadcasters' boards would have to be 50 per cent female to retain franchises. We'd stop meddling in other people's affairs overseas, recall troops from Iraq and Afghanistan, and declare ourselves a nuclear-free peace zone. The minimum wage would be raised – it's mostly women that have to try to live on it.
This would be great stuff from for Labour´s next election manifesto! I will be putting forward my suggestions to Gordon first thing tomorrow morning. Or do I have to? I am the Party Chairperson after all.
The contribution from the men was unsurprisingly derisible
´ever so slightly dull' says Terence Blacker
'Their track record isn't exactly pretty' says Dan Snow
Friday, April 18, 2008
I've just been given the very sad news that Gwyneth Dunwoody, Labour MP for Crewe and Nantwich has passed away.
I had been writing a long post about female MPs in the house, but somehow it seems a bit inappropriate now,my comments about Gwyneth were rather unkind.
When I joined the house in 1982, I had hoped that Gwyneth and I would be very good friends. She being one of the few women in parliament, me being a female trailblazer destined for greatness. ..
Both of Gwyneth's grandmothers were suffragettes, and obviously I would want to associate with someone of such distinguished feminist pedigree.
However, I'm sure you probably know that Gwyneth and I didn't really see eye to eye.
She seemed to think I didn't know what I was in parliament for and I felt the same way (about her, not me. Duurghh!). Women are in parliament to help and support each other, Gwyneth always seemed like she felt there were more important things to do.
She once said that I was 'one of certain, particular women who were of the opinion that they had a God-given right to be among the chosen'. Not very helpful as you can imagine!
I remember in November 2000, when I brought in some great reforms, to make the commons more women friendly. Limiting late night sittings and so on, I didn't expect anyone, least of all a woman to complain. I was wrong.
So, Gwyneth Dunwoody, was invited to welcome the greater freedom to plan HER OWN timetable that these wonderful reforms would bring. Do you know what she said?
"I did not think I was coming to Parliament to have my day secured, I rather thought I was coming to this place to examine in considerable detail laws that carry sanctions against people's lives."
Well I never!
I can't say I ever understood Gwyneth's politics, but many people out there thought she was the business. I know she will be missed.
Rest In Peace, Gwyneth Dunwoody.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Some silly people are calling me a hypocrite by criticizing Blair for taking a donation from Richard Desmond and then knowingly taking a donation from David Abrahams.
O shut up will you!
First of all, you cannot even compare the two situations. I wouldn't be caught dead taking money from a man who publishes explicit, disgusting pictures of a woman's Chamber of Venus for consumption by dirty old men.
The fact that Desmond's donation was completely legal while Abrahams was not is completely irrelevant. People really need to get their priorities straight!
The Desmond donation stank to high heaven. Sadly not all women MPs care very much about the publication of these dirty magazines, one of the great moral outrages of our time.
Usual suspect, D-List celeb and nudey actress, Glenda Jackson MP of course had no problem with it, saying:
"Pornography is not illegal. We are perfectly happy to canvas for the votes of people who create a market for those products by buying them," she said. "I don't believe in censorship and I don't see why if someone is very rich they should not be allowed to do more for the political life of their country than vote."
Unsurprising really. Jack and I made the unfortunate mistake of renting a video starring a fellow Labour MP. Needless to say, I was shocked. It's called "Women in Love".
DO NOT WATCH IT.
There is a terrible scene where she is mud-wrestling in the nude with some other woman. They looked like a pair of filthy lesbos. It took ages for poor Jack to get the nasty images out of his mind.
Is it any wonder the woman is a supporter of the P*rn and dirty magazine industry?
My luck seems to be in this month, doesn't it?
The Guardian reports that the Electoral Commission has decided not to refer me to the police.
opting for a slap on my delicate wrists instead. I suppose fair's fair, Ho! Hum!
I've been worried sick about this issue for the last 6 months.
Yes, I know I haven't said much about it, but only because this is my HAPPY blog for HAPPY news. It wouldn't be appropriate to have posts like "My Donations Disgrace" up here!
Sadly, I will have to pay the £5,000 back. I'm not sure if it should go to Janet Kidd or David Abrahams. I'll ask Jack, he is very good at working out these complex issues.
Not sure where the refund money will come from though, I've already re-mortgaged the house and taken a £10,000 overdraft from the bank and thrown a rather unsuccessful fundraiser. My sister Sarah also lent me £18,000 (Yeah, good luck getting that back, sis. You will have to prise the money out of my cold dead fingers!). It's unlikely she'll fork out another 5 grand.
Where does a woman like me get that kind of money from?
I might have to get out my Big Book of Ambiguous EU laws for help.
Any ideas readers? Perhaps I can rustle up a statutory instrument very quickly that could allow MPs to claim double pay overtime for any hours worked past 5pm. It will probably fall somewhere under flexible-working or "work-life balance".
Don't think for one second that it can't be done.
I am the Leader of the House and financial scandal or no, the supreme minister in charge of MPs pay, pensions and expenses, I can make it happen!
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
I must say, reading that Times article, I am particularly disappointed in all those women who would rather "work things out" with their partners rather than send the criminals to jail.
In 1990, I wrote a social policy paper with Patricia Hewitt called The Family Way.
I quote myself:
Isn't it a crime to know that a crime has been committed and not report it?
(Note to self: Make a new law for that if there isn't one already. )
It's almost enough to make me sit back and take stock of it all.
Luckily I am a strong woman. Strength means having the self-confidence not to doubt yourself, and that is something I've never ever done.
The battle for equality needs a general who doesn't stop to ask questions. Onwards march!