I sent the following email to Labour party members during the chaos. Gordon really should have been writing it, but we didn't want to make things worse. You need someone who is able to write with plenty of meaning hidden between the lines. I have filled in the blanks for you below.
A heartfelt thank you to all party members and party staff who worked so hard in the elections on May 1.
Dear Peasants.. I mean Comrades! Thanks for nothing, which would have been better than your half-arsed campaigning efforts on May 1st.
Congratulations to newly elected and re-elected councillors and Greater
However, Congratulations to those of you who probably stood unopposed or at least managed to escape the slaughter and carnage by rigging the postal vote system.
It was good to see the gains that we made, including in Slough, Liverpool, Ipswich and
It was good to see that there are still some people out there who will vote for a donkey as long as it wears a Red Rosette.
But it was a tough night for the party in
To the losers who think that the night was tough, think again. We will probably be obliterated in the next general election and you can kiss goodbye to any hope of a peerage or parliamentary career or any advancement in Labour Party politics and all the perks that would have awaited you
and to Ken Livingstone who did so much in improving policing, housing and securing the Olympics
and to that odious little man who thought he was the Emperor of London, whose improved policing now means I can't go into my own constituency without a stab vest, and getting London the Olympics which are now costing £100 billion instead of £1 billion * and which your grandchildren will still be paying for 2062., Good riddance!
This election was dominated by the economy and it is clear that people are feeling the pinch.
The election was dominated by the fact that we removed the 10p tax band, to make things easier for the middle class and boy did those working class oiks feel the pinch!
As the Prime Minister said, "We have to listen as well as lead", this means listening widely and responding wisely.
As the Prime Minister proudly repeated the hypnotic meaningless guff that I taught him, remember that we are NOT a listening party, why? BECAUSE WE KNOW BEST! However as long as we TELL people that we're listening, then that's alright.
One consequence of the results of Thursday's elections is that there will now be closer scrutiny of what the Conservatives are proposing.
One consequence of the results of Thursday's elections is that there are fewer footsoldiers to deliver our leaflets in the next election.
People will have no choice but to read the Tory leaflets. Sh*t.
We will now step up our attack on the Conservative Party.
We will now step up our attack on them with the few wounded troops we have left.
As long as people remember that they are nasty and racists, we can continue to put up donkey candidates i.e you, my beloved comrades and keep winning elections.
Our values are clear and our commitment is strong.
Our values are clear enough and our commitment to remaining in power come hell or high water remains strong.
Working together we will make progress for the hard working families of
We haven't made much progress for the hard working families of
It is always darkest before the light at the end of the tunnel .
Thank you so much for your support
Deputy Leader of the Labour Party
Thanking you for your support in advance of the upcoming leadership election.
Don't forget to vote for Harriet Harman as Leader of the Labour Party after conference... YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN DON'T FIGHT IT!
*although that's partly Tessa's fault to be fair