Saturday, August 9, 2008
Sunday, August 3, 2008
You may or may not be aware, that your Happy Harriet won the Witanagemot
blog award last weekend for Best New Blog*.
Yes and I did this without even advertising or begging for votes. Of
course the votes were rigged, Witanagemot is run by men of course, so they
only offered me the 3rd place position, number 1 - Letters from a Tory was
not even a new blog and Number 2 - was written by odious Scotsman Tom Harris who
believes he "pipped" me to the top spot, what a jackass. It's not surprising seeing as he was
crawling around grovelling for votes and is actually a professional
journalist turned politician according to his wikipedia profile** while I
as you know was not particularly well qualified in anything before becoming an MP and
so am therefore the better blogger. It is common knowledge that anyone who starts from
a disadvantaged position is automatically better than anyone else they are competing with.
* There was a slight hiccup, as they originally gave it to my old, official blog - which isn't even new, duh!
**which he OBVIOUSLY wrote himself.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
I was so morose yesterday, wondering why I hadn't received any congratulatory emails from my blog readers. I just realised that I'd clicked on "Save Draft" instead of "Publish Post".
Whoops. I never claimed to be good with computers!
A birthday is the one day in the year, when a woman reflects back on what she's accomplished and speculates on what lies ahead in the future. Analysing the decisions , asking deep questions, e.g. "What is the meaning of life?" and so on.
Luckily I've never been given to much introspection. I prefer to congratulate myself on a job well done as often as possible.
For me life has always been about plodding on and bulldozing one's way to success. That is the secret to my unflappable yet gormless self-confidence.
Yes, people like Gwyneth Dunwoody might have begrudged me this. Sniping that I thought I was one of the chosen few, but dear readers, and I say this to you with the utmost humility : I sincerely believe that I was born to rule. I do!
Surely it can't be luck that I have managed to come so far in just 58 years?
Yes, yes, I know a lot of people don't like me and call me horrible names like Harridan Harperson or Harpy- something or other. It's been like that since I was a child when I used to push and shove the girls in the playground.
I suffered the mocking sneers of the oh-so-bright scholarship girls* as my teachers called me "not at all academic, not a jot remarkable and a bit dull". Do you have any idea what that does to a person? To have an accomplished mother disappointed that after attending the most expensive girls school in the country, I still couldn't get into Oxbridge and only graduated with a second class (lower) in politics from York University, hmmm?
Now you understand why my one goal in life now is to ensure that all unaccomplished women like myself get to rise as high as possible.
Well I showed them all, didn't I? I developed true grit.
I have proved that you don't have to be the best to win. How many people do you know who have QC after their names without ever actually practising any real law**? Exactly. And yet people continue to underestimate me at their peril.
The young whipper-snapper, Milliband has another thing coming if he thinks the Premiership is his for the taking. I always, always, always get my way. Sooner or later.
You may now wish me a Happy Belated Birthday if you please.
*Yes and where are they now, hmm? Are they about to become Prime Minister - DON'T THINK SO!
** No my days at the Civil Liberties Union were spent canoodling with Jack behind the picket line. This was so that I could eventually get union support for my parliamentary career but ssshhh.. dont tell him that!
Never mind the ceaseless mocking of me by Quentin Letts.
That puny little man is quite frankly a literary pygmy and his derisory attempt at "satire", has fallen flat seeing as everybody else ( ok The Mirror) has accepted that I am in charge for the week.
It all reminds me of another moment in time about 30-odd years ago, when a woman had to wrench the party leadership from an unpopular man of dubious sexuality. She too was mocked, you know.
I won't be wasting this rare chance of getting my way without having Gordon bitch over my shoulder. As he's not around and it's summer I've taken to dressing a little more casually as I go to my office in Number 10, releasing my inner slob if you like.*
Anyhoo, you might remember me discussing the need for more legislation to improve equality in this country since my not very well received** Equality Bill. Well, you've probably already heard, but I am currently working hard to make it easier for women to kill their husbands while removing the inexplicable provocation defence available for men to kill women. This is to even up the huge inequity dealt out by mother nature, that allows an angry jealous husband by sheer physical strength alone to crush his wife's skulll while the best she can hope for is leaving a nasty bruise, or taking an eye out! Well, Husbands will be sleeping with that one eye open** from now on and all because of me. I love my job!
*Also, the tracky bottoms are the only things that seem to fit these days.
** Go on Sarah Brown.... you know you want to. Just do it and you will never have to wake up to that scary smile EVER again
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Well, since you asked...It feels GREAT!
I gave a wonderful interview earlier, wearing my lucky jacket**, batting my eyelids seductively whenever a difficult question was asked. Gordon as usual was spitting as his reckless decision not to make me Deputy Prime Minister has done me no harm whatsoever as I am a much better performer than he ever will be. Never underestimate the power of the eyelids, people. Never. I learnt that from Princess Diana who is my idol (obviously!). It works like a charm every time.
Yes, I might have denied it in public, but this really is my moment.
*with a hint of jewish, although not enough to raise any eyebrows
** Overheard: Jacqui Smith thinks that I look like a fat cow in it. This from a woman who has yet to learn the subtle art of power dressing and thinks that getting her tits out is a sign of authority. The bitch will pay, don't you worry about that.
Friday, July 25, 2008
So....we lost Glasgow East.
I have to admit I am not surprised.
I knocked on the door of many a Glasgow oik, and I could tell that they were intimidated by my rank and femininity.
I had to keep an inane grin on (see above pic), as these filthy peasants slammed their doors in my face, and wouldn't talk to me unless i got a hairy Scottish oaf (Des Browne see below) to do the talking while the women kept back!
The ignominy! The SNP candidate meanwhile was invited in for cups of sugary tea. I knew then that all was lost.
The reason for this terrible result, as with most things in this country is sexism.
It is not a co-incidence that our recent beleagured candidates, Tamsin Dunwoody, Margaret Curran and even Wendy Alexander have all been women.
The men of Glasgow East, like those in Crewe clearly could not rise above their prejudice to do the right thing and vote for Labour.
Labour has done so much for this impoverished area which is quite similar to my own constituency of Peckham - I'd be just as likely to wear a stab vest around the Glasgow East council estates for instance.
With any luck this by-election result will be the last nail in Gordon's coffin and I can finally take over and become Britain's first female prime minster. I will then be able to implement more aggressive equality bills e.g all-women shortlists whenever there is a vacancy for a FTSE100 chief executive. I can assure you there would be no credit crunch if women had been making the decisions in the banks and companies nationwide.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
My regular readers will know that I have been planning to be Britain's first female Prime Minister since my first post on this blog where I proved that Margaret Thatcher was not really a woman.
It is therefore, extremely annoying when people like Guido insinuate that I've been"secretly plotting" to become PM. What secret? What plot?If you'd been paying attention you'd have spotted enough clues, you stupid men.
Isnt' it suspicious that I always manage to keep myself on the front pages, inspite of Gordon's attempt to banish me into the Outer Hebrides of the Cabinet? Hmmm?
- Wearing a stab vest to show how much I care about knife crime,
- Organising a hack of my own blog and then mysteriously being the first person to talk about it here*
- Getting those men in superhero suits to jump on my roof top (they got there again very early this morning, well done boys). This is a publicity stunt to ensure that nobody is talking about anything else but me before my 2nd take of PMQs this afternoon. Hopefully it will be as glorious and victorious as last time.
- Helpful articles by my friends in the media, Polly and Jackie.
You don't think all of this was a co-incidence do you?
Other clues have been more subtle , with the always helpful co-operation of the BBC, I managed to organise the insertion of Harriet "Jones" as Prime Minister in Doctor Who. This broadcast a subliminal message to the country that someone called Harriet will one day be Prime Minister. She is played by Penelope Wilton who is a dead ringer for me in case people get confused and start thinking of Jacqui or Tessa.
Harriet Jones is great and eventually saves the earth by giving up her own life. The BBC did insist sadly on her eventual annihilation by the Daleks (i.e THE EVIL TORIES). This is to ensure the general public was so traumatised by Harriet's Death on TV they will ensure that this does not happen in real life in the 2010 elections**.
*Duh.. Of course it was an inside job! This is not a spoof blog!
** And people say I don't think ahead?
Friday, July 4, 2008
The bill came as no surprise to those of you who read my blog regularly. I did mention it a few months ago. Anyway, here are
7 Reasons why the Equality Bill was needed.
1) My Legacy: Now that Labour may not win the next election, it is important that I leave behind something for people to remember me by.
Most people think it's just an addition, but actually my Equality Bill will replace all the previous equality legislation that has gone before it! Under the guise of replacing "complex legislation". Crafty old me.
History will be re-written and in the future, when little girls sit with their mothers in front of the fireplace asking "When Did Women become equal to men?", the mother will smile proudly, (with no mention of the suffragettes*), and reply "Harriet Harman Did That". I will be more famous than my favourite and most famous cousin, Neville Chamberlain.**
2) To increase my chances of becoming leader of the labour party: It really is quite tedious having to go through the hassle of getting elected and being qualified. Much easier to just change the rules so that a woman will be picked. Obviously there aren't any ethnic minorities who could even DREAM of running for party leadership or even (gasp) Prime Minister*** so there's even less competition.
3) To shore up my personal vote in time for the coming apocalypse: It is very important that I do something for the people in Camberwell and Peckham- most of my voting constituents as you know are female and occasionally black.
4) To end wage secrecy: Just for a laugh this one. Oh come on. What's the point of being a minister if you can't have fun with it? Haven't you always wanted to know what the person working beside or above you was earning!? I think it is important that people know these things. Unless of course it has anything to do with MPs pay and expenses in which case I will fight to the death using taxpayers money, even if it costs £200,000.
5) To avenge Jack: He was an abject failure, as Secretary of the Brent Trades Council in 1977 to win the Grunwick Dispute on behalf of the Asian Women. The least I could do was bring in a law that would help ethnic minorities and women without the evil boss dodging it by getting a favourable ruling from the House of Lords, full of stuffy, misogynistic white men.
6) To push through my all-black shortlists: I mentioned back in April the difficulties I was having. I did say I would think of a way to overcome the Race Relations Act didn't I? With any luck, there will be less obstruction this time. Pardon my language, but some of these minorities are f**king ingrates. I do them a favour and they feel patronized...as if they could make it without my help! Baffling! Sadly, not a single ethnic minority person even asked for this bill. As usual they need to be told what they want and when to want it.
7) To wrong-foot Gordon: He never wanted me to win the Deputy Leadership election you know, the bastard.
He has always sneered at women's issues and gave me the "wimmin's" department because he thought it would be powerless and I would be kept out of sight.
And there is a lesson there for all of you who make the stupid mistake of under-estimating Harriet Harman.
Yes, yes, I know working with this new law might be very inconvenient for those of you running small businesses but I've never let that stop me and I'm not about to start now.
To be honest, being born into an aristocratic family, I have never had to run my own business and tend to avoid associating with tradespeople wherever possible. Most of you really are tedious, endlessly complaining about "red tape" and whatnots.
So there you have it, people. Seven, honest, true reasons for the bill.
Let me know how you get on implementing, okay?
*In your face Dunwoodies!
** What? Don't tell me you didn't know!
*** And so it should be, people should know their place.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Thank you for all the emails asking for the next instalment.
I did not abandon you, dear readers.
My proxy server* broke down and I was very busy putting the final touches on my lovely Equality Bill.
I am pleased that so many people read this blog. Having said that, I am a bit worried that a good number of you come from the National Front and other white supremacist websites. Go away from my blog bad people!
Anyway, so much has happened since I last posted:
- David Davis resigned from his job as shadow home secretary and started snuggling up to Shami Chakrabati.
- We did very well in the Henley By-election, managing to beat Harry the Bear,Bananaman Owen and BOTH Independent Miss Great Britain Party candidates and I'll tell you now that everyone in the party heaved a sigh of relief!
- Some more people got stabbed in London and err... what else, oh yes.
- My EQUALITY bill, but more on that in my next post.
So yes, I'm back and will be writing more frequently as from now on.
Remember, if you're having trouble knowing when to check for updates...
Look to the sidebar on the right---------> and SUBSCRIBE TO THE FEED.
*Not that I know what that is of course!
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Today's letter comes from my No. 1 Fan*
9th June 2008
I nearly choked on my cornflakes this morning, reading about your imbroglio with Fathers 4 Justice. The ignominy!
I fully sympathise with your plight, it must be hard being Harriet Harman. I am so impressed by how in the last 3 months, you have single-handedly proved New Labour's commitment to this country's security. First of all, a thorough understanding of electronic security measures before the introduction of ID cards as aptly shown by your choice of such a secure password.
Secondly, you marvellously set a good example on the effective tackling of personal security issues, by wearing a stab vest in your own constituency. Finally yesterday, a clear demonstration of how well versed in anti-terrorism procedures our most important government officials must be, judging from the great difficulty, those 2 men in their costumes managed to climb onto your rooftop without rousing you from slumber! Presumably you left the front door open so they could get in without making too much noise...ingenious.
I do hope that you continue to grace the front page of my newspaper with your zeal and efforts. The Labour Party is lucky to have you.
So kind isn't she?
Thank you for your kind words. I do think you are being over-generous, at least one of those above incidents was regarded as a pretty monumental cock-up on my part, but if you didn't notice, then probably no one else did either, so shhhhh and tell no one!
It is nice to know that I have some fans out there and your emails are always appreciated. Please keep writing and let me know what initiatives and ideas you would like to see from me and the Department for Equalities and whatsits (I keep forgetting the name). Your suggestions are always welcome, especially as I have recently run out of new schemes to implement.
The Right Honourable, Harriet Harman QC MP
Leader of the House of Commons
Minister for Women
Minister for Equality
Deputy Leader of the Labour Party
Chairwoman of the Labour Party
Devoted Wife and Mother.
*I am judging from the frequency of her emails. To be honest, I can't tell if she's a real person or not. Best to err on the side of caution.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Grrrr.... It is Monday and the the rooftop terrorists are still there. I am now officially homeless. Unbelievable. All of Herne Hill is a buzz and my neighbours at number 22, keep pointing and laughing. These Fathers 4 Justice people really are taking things too far.
Some advice would be handy at this point. What would you do if you were me, dear readers, if some nasty oiks* climbed on top of your roof and started messing about?
I mean, HOW DARE THEY!? Jack of course, is completely useless in these situations **.
Ordinarily I would call the police, but as you can see from the picture, they are already there and doing sweet fanny adams.
It is amazing what our police service has come to. In the good old days, they would have climbed the roof, clobbered the intruders to death with a truncheon, doffed their bobby hats with a "'twas an 'onour to serve, my lady" and i would have tipped them sixpence or if they were lucky, a shilling. Now thy just stare at me gormlessly, muttering something about the Human Rights Act!
In the meantime, Jack and I will be awaiting your advice during our brief stay at the Ritz... ON EXPENSES.
*One of them is a driving instructor for goodness sake and the other is a stonemason!
**He only gets tough when he's part of a big gang, organising a strike somewhere and the other person is hopelessly outnumbered. Put him in a one-on-one situation and he'll wet himself. I know for a fact that I have kicked more ass than Jack.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
A mysterious group called Fathers for Justice have broken into my house and are bouncing about on my rooftop as I blog.
The horror of it all!
Luckily I am not at home, but in our more secure house in the countryside away from the rabble of South London (spit!).
This has completely justified my £200,000 legal bid* to keep MPs expenses private as I said on the politics show.
Publishing our addresses is a bloody security risk!
Yes, yes I know it would be very easy to find out that I lived on Winterbrook Road without having to dig into my expenses -my gobby neighbours at number 22 and 26 have seen to that! Although one can't blame them as it isn't easy living next to a celebrity especially one as posh as me. Sigh.
But anyway, why are Fathers For Justice attacking my home?
Probably because I opposed the new measures to make sure they will be named on their children's birth certificates?
If so, well what can I say? It never ceases to amaze me how ungrateful people can be**.
I am merely trying to spare poor children the embarassment of being associated with an undesirable father. There are many people who for instance would rather not have it known that their father was a Tory MP, or had been to prison, or even worse...both. Yes I do mean you, Jonathan Aitken. Look at the damage he has done to poor Victoria, who is now a table dancing rapper and was last seen shaking her bootie on a hip-hop video. What has Fathers 4 Justice got to say about that, eh?
*It failed, but no need to worry about me as it was taxpayers money so I'm alright, thanks for asking!
** 'Tis a well known fact that the greatest prophets such as myself will alway be rejected by their own
Friday, May 30, 2008
So who do they think is the most influential woman in the country? The Queen. Bollocks to that, I say. We're talking about a woman who only deigns to speak to her "subjects" once a year on Christmas Day when they most likely won't be listening anyway.
And number 2, dare I even speak the name of the he-monster that was Margaret Thatcher. The woman can't even speak, let alone stand on her own two feet, and she hasn't been in power for 18 years!! How could she be more influential than a living, breathing, legislating Harriet Harman? It makes me ill.
So at least I'm number 3 right? WRONG. I am still beaten by JK Rowling, a kiddie novel writer, Posh Spice (fair enoug)h, Shami Chakrabatty who bizarrely is more influential by doing the job I held 28 years ago, and Elisabeth Murdoch who only got there because of her family connections.
So I come in at number 8, just pipping Cherie Blair (how? how?) and Zaha Hadid who I'm sure none of you have even heard of.
What a load of Bollocks.
Besides, parliament was in recess, (again!) and that means that we MPs should be taking time off from our usual activities including blogging.
So, 10 points for whoever can guess what I've been up to this past week.
a) Trying to raise funds for the Labour Party* before it bankrupts me
b) Gathering up supporters to oust Gordon
c) Crushing Crazy Nadine's dream of being an influential politician
d) Sorting out my £23,000 payrise,
e) Recovering from the Crewe and Nantwich disaster.
f) All of the above.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
You probably haven't heard, but there is a by-election happening there, tomorrow.
It shows how inexperienced Labour is at running campaigns. They should have got me, winner of the 2007 Deputy Leadership election to do it. Instead they played the toff card. A big no-no and trust me, my Uncle was the Earl of Longford, never never talk about toffs. It always comes back to bite you in the ass.
Personally, I blame the problems on Gwyneth Dunwoody.
She should have named her daughter "Gwyneth" instead of Tamsin or Moyra*
That way people wouldn't have noticed it was someone else running.
Most people are forgetting that she spent her last years voting against government bills with the Tories. Gwyneth was a selfish old biddy, always putting herself and her constituents before the Labour Party. I bet she was a double agent and the loss of that constituency will make no difference whatsoever.
*Good Heavens, What was she thinking!
**BLOGGING MAY BE LIGHT TILL THE WEEKEND - PLEASE BEAR WITH THE INFREQUENT SERVICE.
Friday, May 16, 2008
I'd been thinking about how to fix this temporary dip in the polls and then it struck me...what Labour needs is a celebrity. Someone who can shore up our core vote and is a good role model for kids. So I looked in the phone book for a talent agency and asked who they could rustle up as quickly as possible. We were in luck. It turned out that Naomi Campbell is on bail for assaulting a police officer and would happily get out of bed for less than £10,000.
Female Vote - check
Black Vote - check
Tall Vote - check
So, I told Naomi on the phone that if anyone asks what she was doing there, she should just say "Women's Health Issues" -easily the most uncomfortable topic for aggressive male journalists. I also told her to say something nice about Gordon, something surprising like "he's a barrel of laughs" or " very jolly". Just watch the video to see how well she does
Naomi and Gordon have lots of things in common. She has been to anger management and he is known to get into fits of indescribable rage, so they got on well together and she gave him a couple of tips . She might even have given style advice to frumpy Sarah Brown while she was there.
When the world is beating at your door with a recession, inflation, tax palavers, housing issues, climate change, godawful election results and a suspiciously inconvenient by-election, Naomi Campbell is just the pick-me-up we need to take everyone's minds off the problems.
Besides the only other option was to go with Hazel Blear's idea An Apprentice/Maria/Strictly Come Dancing show starring Gordon, which I thought was completely bonkers - everyone knows Gordon can't sing or dance!* It just goes to show that when it comes to the Labour Party, truth will always out-parody fictional spoofs.
*or be in a competition where he's not the only contestant
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Yesterday someone took a picture of me while I was day dreaming about when I become Prime Minister. Don't I look smart and cute? Certainly a lot better than Jacqui Smith, who was struggling to pay attention to what Gordon was saying and is getting more haggard looking by the minute. The poisoned chalice position of Home Secretary is clearly taking its toll.
At least she's started covering up her cleavage a bit now. Personally, I think the only reason Jacqui ever got noticed was because she stuck her 36DDs out, very vulgar and totally deserving of that caricature on Headcases.
Speaking of which.. I wonder when they'll do me. Surely I am important enough to have someone spoof me by now?
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Undercover, that's where. It's a dangerous time to be a member of the labour party. We are not popular at all, not even with ourselves.
I really need to blog about something else other than Labour issues right now which are just too depressing. Something that will cheer me up. Hmm... Let's see.. How about Nadine Dorries? She's always good for a laugh. "Who?" I hear you ask. Exactly.
Nadine is a backbench Tory nobody (who as my constiutents would say, "thinks she is all that"). Whenever people complain about the poor quality of female labour MPs, I point smugly at the crazy lady sitting on the Tory benches who single-handedly makes us look like the army of competent intellectual professionals we know ourselves to be.
Yesterday, Nadine complained that another Tory MP, John Bercow, used BIG words that she didn't understand like p-r-e-j-u-d-i-c-e-d and then continues:
Antediluvian isn’t a word you hear much on the housing estates across Britain, so I had to ask what it meant*.
Well Quite. My personal experience is that you don't hear many words on housing estates, people there prefer to communicate by a series of grunts and growls.
I think it is rather rude of Nadine to speak ofthe working classes -her own people, in such a fashion. Perhaps someone should tell her that a housing estate is not the best place to go if one needs to improve one's diction.
It is shocking though. This is a word that is used many times in parliament. We tend to use a lot of big words in the house you know. It's not a place for illiterate old nurses. Clearly, she should have checked her dictionary during the debates then, not just assumed we were talking about some MP's relative! At least she she had the good sense to finally ask someone yesterday, even though she still got the meaning of the word wrong.
No, Dear. Before THE Flood. Not just any flood, or all floods, Nadine. Sheesh.
Presumably now she thinks that John Bercow was referring to her as something that happens before a flood -A sort of giant sandbag perhaps?
She then uses the word 5 more times (practice makes perfect!) although never seems to quite grasp its meaning.
The good thing though is that unlike me, Nadine does not allow comments on her blog, which means that no one will be able to correct her and we can all have a good laugh for a while. Yes Mid Bedfordshire, read it and weep. This is the woman YOU voted for, who represents your views in parliament. Remember that next time you write a letter to your MP and use simple words or textspeak.
*Will someone please get the woman a dictionary for Christmas? It is too risky letting her "ask somebody".
Friday, May 9, 2008
A complete waste of time as everyone knows they will vote Labour anyway.
The caseload is unusually high as well.
They must have seen me on BBC last week, saying how "determined I was to listen".
I wasn't talking to you, Peckham!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
The Labour Bloggers** and myself are now what's left of the London opposition to Tory Mayor.
Leading from the front is Bob Piper who has just discovered that Boris has hired a black person to be his Deputy Mayor. Yup, you read that right - Ray Lewis, a black person!
This is a shamelesss hijacking of Labour Party policy if I ever saw one. Everyone knows that Black people are a Labour thing.
I never thought the Tories would stoop so low and as Bob points out, this is cronyism of the worst kind - Look at the way they're hugging for goodness sake!
Just as he was announcing that he wants the focus of his mayoralty to be on youth gun and knife crime. One of the inconsiderate shits in my Peckham constituency decides to go and get himself stabbed to death. An altogether rather convenient death, wouldn't you say? No doubt organised by the Tory mafia!
*Yes I know there are other London Labour MPs, but you can't remember any of them can you? Exactly. Neither can I. QED.
**those of them that have regained consciousness and not living in denial