Friday, July 4, 2008

My Feminist Legacy

Some of you have been ranting, asking for me to "justify" the Equality Bill.

The bill came as no surprise to those of you who read my blog regularly. I did mention it a few months ago. Anyway, here are

7 Reasons why the Equality Bill was needed.

1) My Legacy: Now that Labour may not win the next election, it is important that I leave behind something for people to remember me by.
Most people think it's just an addition, but actually my Equality Bill will replace all the previous equality legislation that has gone before it! Under the guise of replacing "complex legislation". Crafty old me.
History will be re-written and in the future, when little girls sit with their mothers in front of the fireplace asking "When Did Women become equal to men?", the mother will smile proudly, (with no mention of the suffragettes*), and reply "Harriet Harman Did That". I will be more famous than my favourite and most famous cousin, Neville Chamberlain.**

2) To increase my chances of becoming leader of the labour party: It really is quite tedious having to go through the hassle of getting elected and being qualified. Much easier to just change the rules so that a woman will be picked. Obviously there aren't any ethnic minorities who could even DREAM of running for party leadership or even (gasp) Prime Minister*** so there's even less competition.

3) To shore up my personal vote in time for the coming apocalypse: It is very important that I do something for the people in Camberwell and Peckham- most of my voting constituents as you know are female and occasionally black.

4) To end wage secrecy: Just for a laugh this one. Oh come on. What's the point of being a minister if you can't have fun with it? Haven't you always wanted to know what the person working beside or above you was earning!? I think it is important that people know these things. Unless of course it has anything to do with MPs pay and expenses in which case I will fight to the death using taxpayers money, even if it costs £200,000.

5) To avenge Jack: He was an abject failure, as Secretary of the Brent Trades Council in 1977 to win the Grunwick Dispute on behalf of the Asian Women. The least I could do was bring in a law that would help ethnic minorities and women without the evil boss dodging it by getting a favourable ruling from the House of Lords, full of stuffy, misogynistic white men.

6) To push through my all-black shortlists: I mentioned back in April the difficulties I was having. I did say I would think of a way to overcome the Race Relations Act didn't I? With any luck, there will be less obstruction this time. Pardon my language, but some of these minorities are f**king ingrates. I do them a favour and they feel if they could make it without my help! Baffling! Sadly, not a single ethnic minority person even asked for this bill. As usual they need to be told what they want and when to want it.

7) To wrong-foot Gordon: He never wanted me to win the Deputy Leadership election you know, the bastard.
He has always sneered at women's issues and gave me the "wimmin's" department because he thought it would be powerless and I would be kept out of sight.
And there is a lesson there for all of you who make the stupid mistake of under-estimating Harriet Harman.

Yes, yes, I know working with this new law might be very inconvenient for those of you running small businesses but I've never let that stop me and I'm not about to start now.
To be honest, being born into an aristocratic family, I have never had to run my own business and tend to avoid associating with tradespeople wherever possible. Most of you really are tedious, endlessly complaining about "red tape" and whatnots.

So there you have it, people. Seven, honest, true reasons for the bill.
Let me know how you get on implementing, okay?

*In your face Dunwoodies!
** What? Don't tell me you didn't know!
*** And so it should be, people should know their place.


Anonymous said...

Harriet, slightly off-topic I know, but I am absolutely desperate to give you the jolly-rogering you so fully deserve.. Please let me know..

Anonymous said...

Ms Harman, I have a 'friend' who is desperate to know if the legislation will help him. He isn't black, but does have a permanent tan and does have a foreign background. Due to an unfortunate media conspiracy about his election finances he now finds himself in slightly straightened job hunting circumstances. Any help, please let me, sorry, my 'friend', know.

Yours sincerely, P.H.

Anonymous said...


Thanks for 'lunch'.

Same time, same place next week ?

After that we may have to be a bit more discreet during the 'recess'..

U no-who..

Anonymous said...

Harriet dearie, Gordon does like you !

When he left you hanging in gale after you wan the election, he was just playing 'hard to get', as you were being just a bit coy about kissing his 'derriere'.. And I can quite understand that..

But come along now, after a few sessions of analingus things have been going so much better, have they not ?? And with a hot bath and a mouthwash afterwards it washes the taste away quite well, does it not ?

Of course, you can never feel quite as clean again inside.. but when you are ambitious for the top, one has to make these little sacrifices and compromises along the way, now doesn't one ?

Ben said...

Harriet, your many admirers are wondering if, with you as Leader, the possibility that Labour may not win the next election need ever arise.

Isn't it obvious (and with your towering intellect, of course it is) that the reason the party is slightly down in the polls at present is that you have a Man as leader? How quickly that could change!

tapestry said...

Taxes at 98% on unearned income are a must.

Anonymous said...

Remember not to look TOO eager at PMQs - play hard to get..

Let the party know that you are willing to stand, but not at any price..

They will have to bow down to your will and allow you pure untrammelled power in the way Tony Blair did, and then, and only then will you consider, reluctantly, that it is your duty to stand..

Anonymous said...

Obviously if it's equality it works both ways right?

I was watching our Beijing team and not one white, fat 80 year old to be seen!

Now we're doing away with that silly idea of choosing people based on merit I do hope we'll see "All Fat" and "All Old" shortlists in the Olympics.

As is often pointed out by Harriet, diversity brings great rewards – so with a few 100 stone pensioners on our 100m team we're bound to win! So while other teams have lean young athletes our team of wonderful diversity will trounce them all! Hurray for us!