Being a leader often means coming up with innovative solutions to difficult problems.
I'd been thinking about how to fix this temporary dip in the polls and then it struck me...what Labour needs is a celebrity. Someone who can shore up our core vote and is a good role model for kids. So I looked in the phone book for a talent agency and asked who they could rustle up as quickly as possible. We were in luck. It turned out that Naomi Campbell is on bail for assaulting a police officer and would happily get out of bed for less than £10,000.
Female Vote - check
Black Vote - check
Tall Vote - check
So, I told Naomi on the phone that if anyone asks what she was doing there, she should just say "Women's Health Issues" -easily the most uncomfortable topic for aggressive male journalists. I also told her to say something nice about Gordon, something surprising like "he's a barrel of laughs" or " very jolly". Just watch the video to see how well she does
Naomi and Gordon have lots of things in common. She has been to anger management and he is known to get into fits of indescribable rage, so they got on well together and she gave him a couple of tips . She might even have given style advice to frumpy Sarah Brown while she was there.
When the world is beating at your door with a recession, inflation, tax palavers, housing issues, climate change, godawful election results and a suspiciously inconvenient by-election, Naomi Campbell is just the pick-me-up we need to take everyone's minds off the problems.
Besides the only other option was to go with Hazel Blear's idea An Apprentice/Maria/Strictly Come Dancing show starring Gordon, which I thought was completely bonkers - everyone knows Gordon can't sing or dance!* It just goes to show that when it comes to the Labour Party, truth will always out-parody fictional spoofs.
*or be in a competition where he's not the only contestant