When the Cat's away, the mice will play

Never mind the ceaseless mocking of me by Quentin Letts.
That puny little man is quite frankly a literary pygmy and his derisory attempt at "satire", has fallen flat seeing as everybody else ( ok The Mirror) has accepted that I am in charge for the week.

It all reminds me of another moment in time about 30-odd years ago, when a woman had to wrench the party leadership from an unpopular man of dubious sexuality. She too was mocked, you know.

I won't be wasting this rare chance of getting my way without having Gordon bitch over my shoulder. As he's not around and it's summer I've taken to dressing a little more casually as I go to my office in Number 10, releasing my inner slob if you like.*

Anyhoo, you might remember me discussing the need for more legislation to improve equality in this country since my not very well received** Equality Bill. Well, you've probably already heard, but I am currently working hard to make it easier for women to kill their husbands while removing the inexplicable provocation defence available for men to kill women. This is to even up the huge inequity dealt out by mother nature, that allows an angry jealous husband by sheer physical strength alone to crush his wife's skulll while the best she can hope for is leaving a nasty bruise, or taking an eye out! Well, Husbands will be sleeping with that one eye open** from now on and all because of me. I love my job!



*Also, the tracky bottoms are the only things that seem to fit these days.

** Go on Sarah Brown.... you know you want to. Just do it and you will never have to wake up to that scary smile EVER again

My Feminist Legacy

Some of you have been ranting, asking for me to "justify" the Equality Bill.

The bill came as no surprise to those of you who read my blog regularly. I did mention it a few months ago. Anyway, here are

7 Reasons why the Equality Bill was needed.

1) My Legacy: Now that Labour may not win the next election, it is important that I leave behind something for people to remember me by.
Most people think it's just an addition, but actually my Equality Bill will replace all the previous equality legislation that has gone before it! Under the guise of replacing "complex legislation". Crafty old me.
History will be re-written and in the future, when little girls sit with their mothers in front of the fireplace asking "When Did Women become equal to men?", the mother will smile proudly, (with no mention of the suffragettes*), and reply "Harriet Harman Did That". I will be more famous than my favourite and most famous cousin, Neville Chamberlain.**

2) To increase my chances of becoming leader of the labour party: It really is quite tedious having to go through the hassle of getting elected and being qualified. Much easier to just change the rules so that a woman will be picked. Obviously there aren't any ethnic minorities who could even DREAM of running for party leadership or even (gasp) Prime Minister*** so there's even less competition.

3) To shore up my personal vote in time for the coming apocalypse: It is very important that I do something for the people in Camberwell and Peckham- most of my voting constituents as you know are female and occasionally black.


4) To end wage secrecy: Just for a laugh this one. Oh come on. What's the point of being a minister if you can't have fun with it? Haven't you always wanted to know what the person working beside or above you was earning!? I think it is important that people know these things. Unless of course it has anything to do with MPs pay and expenses in which case I will fight to the death using taxpayers money, even if it costs £200,000.

5) To avenge Jack: He was an abject failure, as Secretary of the Brent Trades Council in 1977 to win the Grunwick Dispute on behalf of the Asian Women. The least I could do was bring in a law that would help ethnic minorities and women without the evil boss dodging it by getting a favourable ruling from the House of Lords, full of stuffy, misogynistic white men.

6) To push through my all-black shortlists: I mentioned back in April the difficulties I was having. I did say I would think of a way to overcome the Race Relations Act didn't I? With any luck, there will be less obstruction this time. Pardon my language, but some of these minorities are f**king ingrates. I do them a favour and they feel patronized...as if they could make it without my help! Baffling! Sadly, not a single ethnic minority person even asked for this bill. As usual they need to be told what they want and when to want it.

7) To wrong-foot Gordon: He never wanted me to win the Deputy Leadership election you know, the bastard.
He has always sneered at women's issues and gave me the "wimmin's" department because he thought it would be powerless and I would be kept out of sight.
Heh!
And there is a lesson there for all of you who make the stupid mistake of under-estimating Harriet Harman.

Yes, yes, I know working with this new law might be very inconvenient for those of you running small businesses but I've never let that stop me and I'm not about to start now.
To be honest, being born into an aristocratic family, I have never had to run my own business and tend to avoid associating with tradespeople wherever possible. Most of you really are tedious, endlessly complaining about "red tape" and whatnots.


So there you have it, people. Seven, honest, true reasons for the bill.
Let me know how you get on implementing, okay?

*In your face Dunwoodies!
** What? Don't tell me you didn't know!
*** And so it should be, people should know their place.

Fathers 4 Justice on my F*@!$%ing rooftop.

A mysterious group called Fathers for Justice have broken into my house and are bouncing about on my rooftop as I blog.

The horror of it all!
Luckily I am not at home, but in our more secure house in the countryside away from the rabble of South London (spit!).

This has completely justified my £200,000 legal bid* to keep MPs expenses private as I said on the politics show.
Publishing our addresses is a bloody security risk!

Yes, yes I know it would be very easy to find out that I lived on Winterbrook Road without having to dig into my expenses -my gobby neighbours at number 22 and 26 have seen to that! Although one can't blame them as it isn't easy living next to a celebrity especially one as posh as me. Sigh.

But anyway, why are Fathers For Justice attacking my home?
Probably because I opposed the new measures to make sure they will be named on their children's birth certificates?
If so, well what can I say? It never ceases to amaze me how ungrateful people can be**.
I am merely trying to spare poor children the embarassment of being associated with an undesirable father. There are many people who for instance would rather not have it known that their father was a Tory MP, or had been to prison, or even worse...both. Yes I do mean you, Jonathan Aitken. Look at the damage he has done to poor Victoria, who is now a table dancing rapper and was last seen shaking her bootie on a hip-hop video. What has Fathers 4 Justice got to say about that, eh?


*It failed, but no need to worry about me as it was taxpayers money so I'm alright, thanks for asking!
** 'Tis a well known fact that the greatest prophets such as myself will alway be rejected by their own

Most Influential Woman?

I heard yesterday that the independent has released a list of the top 10 most influential women and I was in it! So I rushed to the Herne Hill newsagents to buy a copy of the paper before it was sold out, only to find that I was not number 2, but number 8.

So who do they think is the most influential woman in the country? The Queen. Bollocks to that, I say. We're talking about a woman who only deigns to speak to her "subjects" once a year on Christmas Day when they most likely won't be listening anyway.

And number 2, dare I even speak the name of the he-monster that was Margaret Thatcher. The woman can't even speak, let alone stand on her own two feet, and she hasn't been in power for 18 years!! How could she be more influential than a living, breathing, legislating Harriet Harman? It makes me ill.

So at least I'm number 3 right? WRONG. I am still beaten by JK Rowling, a kiddie novel writer, Posh Spice (fair enoug)h, Shami Chakrabatty who bizarrely is more influential by doing the job I held 28 years ago, and Elisabeth Murdoch who only got there because of her family connections.

So I come in at number 8, just pipping Cherie Blair (how? how?) and Zaha Hadid who I'm sure none of you have even heard of.

What a load of Bollocks.

Still on Domestic Violence

I must say, reading that Times article, I am particularly disappointed in all those women who would rather "work things out" with their partners rather than send the criminals to jail.
In 1990, I wrote a social policy paper with Patricia Hewitt called The Family Way.
I quote myself:

'It cannot be assumed that men are bound to be an asset to family life, or that the presence of fathers in families is necessarily a means to social harmony and cohesion.'

I've only been itching to have this law on the statute books for 17 years and when i finally get it on there, NOBODY USES IT!

Aaargh!

Isn't it a crime to know that a crime has been committed and not report it?
(Note to self: Make a new law for that if there isn't one already. )


It's almost enough to make me sit back and take stock of it all.
Luckily I am a strong woman. Strength means having the self-confidence not to doubt yourself, and that is something I've never ever done.
The battle for equality needs a general who doesn't stop to ask questions. Onwards march!

Blair Babes vs Sarkozettes

The Daily mail is comparing the women in the French government with those in the British government, especially the volupts. The mail is not focusing on the important work we do, but rather on how old and fat we are compared to them
The mail complains that my accessories are too cheap and my tights are awful. They don't understand that one has to dress like one's constituents. You can't represent Peckham while shoping at Marks and Spencer. I don't know why they keep focusing on me anyway. Lady Hodge, I mean Margaret , is 6 years older than I am, and Tessa Jowell is 3 years older.( Tessa’s backside is also far larger than mine).
The point to make here is that this is what happens when France votes for a sexist pig like Sarkozy instead of a nice female socialist like Segolene.

Sarkozy has chosen not to go for serious women, but has stuffed his cabinet with young exotic things (2 of them are Algerian and 1 of them is Senegalese) . His cabinet is more than 50% women, which sounds good until you find that not one of them is minister of women or minister for children. Clearly he thinks that Justice, human rights are more important portfolios than women and children who make up more than 50% of the population of France.

I also think it is quite shameful that these ethnic women are not taking up positions representing ethnic minorities or equalities. If I, as a white female can be both minister for women and minister for equalities, then surely it wouldn' be too much for them to handle one.

Overpromoted if you ask me.

You Ask The Questions: Harriet Harman MP

I am featured in this morning's edition of the Independent.
The Independent lets people like me who are very busy answer questions from ordinary and average people. I'm a bit disappointed that I am referred to as Harriet Harman MP. They should know that it is actually Harriet Harman QC MP. Very few women actually make it to QC. Most of them have to be barristers and stand up in court and other masculine things, but I proved a point that you don't have to be masculine to be successful.

For instance I am a successful blogger and web publisher with not one but two blogs! Both in pretty feminine colours. This in red and my other blog in lilac with loverly girly writing. I did this without having any porn on my blog either. One day I will ban porn.

I was very angry when some horrible man (as usual) asked if as a feminist, I was proud of Margaret Thatcher. I hate it when people ask me about Thatcher. My response?

No, because she was out to prove she was as every bit as nasty as all the men in her cabinet. Feminism is about progressive politics and solidarity with other women. Thatcher was neither.

Quite frankly, Margaret Thatcher becoming the first woman Prime Minister does not count as she had to act like a man to get there. She did everything but the sex-op! Sorry, but it's true and someone has to say it.

Labour is the only party that has provided high ranking feminine secretary of states. We provided the first female home secretary and the first female foreign secretary. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but having been elected Deputy Leader of the Labour Party I am pretty much the most successful British female politician of all time. I did this without becoming a man, masculine or doing manly things. No one else has achieved what I have.

I don't think the Tory Party can ever produce a feminine woman Prime Minister. Everyone knows that women are nice and not nasty and tory women are nasty and if you ask me a bunch of she-dogs to boot (no, I won't use the b-word, no good feminist does).