This IS my moment!

A question from an anonymous reader yesterday:

"Please tell us more about how you feel as a powerful independent woman, having 10 Downing Street to yourself, as a sampler of your wonderful future."

Well, since you asked...It feels GREAT!

Why just yesterday, I invited my entire family round to Number 10 to get a feel of the place and to take curtain measurements for when we move in after party conference. As you probably know, our house on Winterbrook Road is mortaged to the hilt and the incessant Fathers4 Justice campaigners are getting rather tedious now. The sooner we can leave Herne Hill, the better.

Poor Jack looked so uncomfortable in the luxurious surroundings. Let this be a warning to all of you considering marrying outside your social class.. don't do it! My weakness for bald men of Irish extraction* is what got me into this mess, but I digress.

I gave a wonderful interview earlier, wearing my lucky jacket**, batting my eyelids seductively whenever a difficult question was asked. Gordon as usual was spitting as his reckless decision not to make me Deputy Prime Minister has done me no harm whatsoever as I am a much better performer than he ever will be. Never underestimate the power of the eyelids, people. Never. I learnt that from Princess Diana who is my idol (obviously!). It works like a charm every time.

Yes, I might have denied it in public, but this really is my moment.

*with a hint of jewish, although not enough to raise any eyebrows

** Overheard: Jacqui Smith thinks that I look like a fat cow in it. This from a woman who has yet to learn the subtle art of power dressing and thinks that getting her tits out is a sign of authority. The bitch will pay, don't you worry about that.

Rooftop Terrorist is still there

Grrrr.... It is Monday and the the rooftop terrorists are still there. I am now officially homeless. Unbelievable. All of Herne Hill is a buzz and my neighbours at number 22, keep pointing and laughing. These Fathers 4 Justice people really are taking things too far.

Some advice would be handy at this point. What would you do if you were me, dear readers, if some nasty oiks* climbed on top of your roof and started messing about?

I mean, HOW DARE THEY!? Jack of course, is completely useless in these situations **.

Ordinarily I would call the police, but as you can see from the picture, they are already there and doing sweet fanny adams.

It is amazing what our police service has come to. In the good old days, they would have climbed the roof, clobbered the intruders to death with a truncheon, doffed their bobby hats with a "'twas an 'onour to serve, my lady" and i would have tipped them sixpence or if they were lucky, a shilling. Now thy just stare at me gormlessly, muttering something about the Human Rights Act!

In the meantime, Jack and I will be awaiting your advice during our brief stay at the Ritz... ON EXPENSES.


*One of them is a driving instructor for goodness sake and the other is a stonemason!
**He only gets tough when he's part of a big gang, organising a strike somewhere and the other person is hopelessly outnumbered. Put him in a one-on-one situation and he'll wet himself. I know for a fact that I have kicked more ass than Jack.

Mortgage Woes

Some worrying news about house prices.

The Telegraph had a story yesterday about how homes in Labour heartlands may be plunged into negative equity.

Areas of Manchester, Glasgow, south-east London and Birmingham are said to be potential "negative equity hot spots"

I hope they are just scaremongering and if not, surely Camberwell and Peckham wouldn't be affected! One of the things I like about my constituents is that so few of them live in their own homes. In fact 65% of them live in council or housing assocation owned properties.
Silly aspirations of everyone owning their own home are what caused the credit crunch. Now Peckhamites have nothing to fear from any housing crisis. This is why I strongly encourage people to live in social housing -wherever possible, let the government take care and protect you.

This is also why I continually call for more social housing. The more people that live in social housing, the more will want to vote for a socialist/labour government and a responsible person like myself planning and overseeing everything.

We Deputy Leaders are not immune to downturns in the economy you know. Although I can put most spending on my parliamentary expenses, that might become more difficult if the witch-hunt carries on. I don't live in the heart of Peckham but I do live in south-east London and for the deputy leadership elections I took out a £10,000 overdraft and re-mortgaged our home for £40,000 . Jack says that at 14.9%, the rate was very competitive and I trust him when it comes to money issues, after all he is the Labour Party Treasurer! And it was all worth it, I spent twice as much as Alan Johnson and just narrowly beat him.

Of course the repayments can be put on my parliamentary expenses so I'm not really out of pocket. I'm just saying so you know that Jack and I are a couple who always get the best deal for Johnny Taxpayer!

Difficulties with White Men

I was hit by a triple whammy some weeks ago by The Express, Daily Mail (what a surprise) and The Observer, who really should know better, about my proposals to to help women and black people achieve equality at work.

Yes, it is true that my proposals will legally block white men from jobs or promotions, but this is only to make getting jobs and promotions jut as hard for them as it has been for women and blacks. Why should they have it easy? It's about time that this demographic pays its way in this country.

Now don't get me wrong. I have no problems with white men. Some of my best friends are white men In fact, and I don't admit it often, but I am married to a white man. Before you call me a traitor, I must point out that Jack is not just white but actually Irish. The Irish were a much maligned minority group when we got married and he was a very acceptable sort of life partner for those of us fighting on the frontline for minority rights!

Now that that's all cleared up, you can see this isn't some crazy vendetta.
As Minister for Equality, I have a duty to make sure that everybody is equal.
If you have 7 peas and I have just 5 peas, the solution is for you to throw 2 of your peas away. That way, everyone is happy and the balance is restored.