Blogging Awards

Dear Readers,
You may or may not be aware, that your Happy Harriet won the Witanagemot
blog award last weekend for Best New Blog*.


Yes and I did this without even advertising or begging for votes. Of
course the votes were rigged, Witanagemot is run by men of course, so they
only offered me the 3rd place position, number 1 - Letters from a Tory was
not even a new blog and Number 2 - was written by odious Scotsman Tom Harris who
believes he "pipped" me to the top spot, what a jackass. It's not surprising seeing as he was
crawling around grovelling for votes and is actually a professional
journalist turned politician according to his wikipedia profile** while I
as you know was not particularly well qualified in anything before becoming an MP and
so am therefore the better blogger. It is common knowledge that anyone who starts from
a disadvantaged position is automatically better than anyone else they are competing with.

Anyway, Iain Dale is asking people to vote for their top 10 political blogs by midnight tonight.

So if there are any fans out there who demand my recognition, email him at toptenblogs@totalpolitics.com

* There was a slight hiccup, as they originally gave it to my old, official blog - which isn't even new, duh!

**which he OBVIOUSLY wrote himself.

Happy Birthday To Me

I was so morose yesterday, wondering why I hadn't received any congratulatory emails from my blog readers. I just realised that I'd clicked on "Save Draft" instead of "Publish Post".
Whoops. I never claimed to be good with computers!
--------------------

A birthday is the one day in the year, when a woman reflects back on what she's accomplished and speculates on what lies ahead in the future. Analysing the decisions , asking deep questions, e.g. "What is the meaning of life?" and so on.

Luckily I've never been given to much introspection. I prefer to congratulate myself on a job well done as often as possible.
For me life has always been about plodding on and bulldozing one's way to success. That is the secret to my unflappable yet gormless self-confidence.

Yes, people like Gwyneth Dunwoody might have begrudged me this. Sniping that I thought I was one of the chosen few, but dear readers, and I say this to you with the utmost humility : I sincerely believe that I was born to rule. I do!
Surely it can't be luck that I have managed to come so far in just 58 years?

Yes, yes, I know a lot of people don't like me and call me horrible names like Harridan Harperson or Harpy- something or other. It's been like that since I was a child when I used to push and shove the girls in the playground.

I suffered the mocking sneers of the oh-so-bright scholarship girls* as my teachers called me "not at all academic, not a jot remarkable and a bit dull". Do you have any idea what that does to a person? To have an accomplished mother disappointed that after attending the most expensive girls school in the country, I still couldn't get into Oxbridge and only graduated with a second class (lower) in politics from York University, hmmm?
Now you understand why my one goal in life now is to ensure that all unaccomplished women like myself get to rise as high as possible.

Well I showed them all, didn't I? I developed true grit.
I have proved that you don't have to be the best to win. How many people do you know who have QC after their names without ever actually practising any real law**? Exactly. And yet people continue to underestimate me at their peril.

The young whipper-snapper, Milliband has another thing coming if he thinks the Premiership is his for the taking. I always, always, always get my way. Sooner or later.

You may now wish me a Happy Belated Birthday if you please.

*Yes and where are they now, hmm? Are they about to become Prime Minister - DON'T THINK SO!

** No my days at the Civil Liberties Union were spent canoodling with Jack behind the picket line. This was so that I could eventually get union support for my parliamentary career but ssshhh.. dont tell him that!

This IS my moment!

A question from an anonymous reader yesterday:

"Please tell us more about how you feel as a powerful independent woman, having 10 Downing Street to yourself, as a sampler of your wonderful future."

Well, since you asked...It feels GREAT!

Why just yesterday, I invited my entire family round to Number 10 to get a feel of the place and to take curtain measurements for when we move in after party conference. As you probably know, our house on Winterbrook Road is mortaged to the hilt and the incessant Fathers4 Justice campaigners are getting rather tedious now. The sooner we can leave Herne Hill, the better.

Poor Jack looked so uncomfortable in the luxurious surroundings. Let this be a warning to all of you considering marrying outside your social class.. don't do it! My weakness for bald men of Irish extraction* is what got me into this mess, but I digress.

I gave a wonderful interview earlier, wearing my lucky jacket**, batting my eyelids seductively whenever a difficult question was asked. Gordon as usual was spitting as his reckless decision not to make me Deputy Prime Minister has done me no harm whatsoever as I am a much better performer than he ever will be. Never underestimate the power of the eyelids, people. Never. I learnt that from Princess Diana who is my idol (obviously!). It works like a charm every time.

Yes, I might have denied it in public, but this really is my moment.

*with a hint of jewish, although not enough to raise any eyebrows

** Overheard: Jacqui Smith thinks that I look like a fat cow in it. This from a woman who has yet to learn the subtle art of power dressing and thinks that getting her tits out is a sign of authority. The bitch will pay, don't you worry about that.

Harriet "Jones" for PM

My regular readers will know that I have been planning to be Britain's first female Prime Minister since my first post on this blog where I proved that Margaret Thatcher was not really a woman.

It is therefore, extremely annoying when people like Guido insinuate that I've been"secretly plotting" to become PM. What secret? What plot?If you'd been paying attention you'd have spotted enough clues, you stupid men.

Isnt' it suspicious that I always manage to keep myself on the front pages, inspite of Gordon's attempt to banish me into the Outer Hebrides of the Cabinet? Hmmm?

• Wearing a stab vest to show how much I care about knife crime,
  
• Organising a hack of my own blog and then mysteriously being the first person to talk about it here*
  
• Getting those men in superhero suits to jump on my roof top (they got there again very early this morning, well done boys). This is a publicity stunt to ensure that nobody is talking about anything else but me before my 2nd take of PMQs this afternoon. Hopefully it will be as glorious and victorious as last time.
  
• Helpful articles by my friends in the media, Polly and Jackie.
  

You don't think all of this was a co-incidence do you?

Other clues have been more subtle , with the always helpful co-operation of the BBC, I managed to organise the insertion of Harriet "Jones" as Prime Minister in Doctor Who. This broadcast a subliminal message to the country that someone called Harriet will one day be Prime Minister. She is played by Penelope Wilton who is a dead ringer for me in case people get confused and start thinking of Jacqui or Tessa.

Harriet Jones is great and eventually saves the earth by giving up her own life. The BBC did insist sadly on her eventual annihilation by the Daleks (i.e THE EVIL TORIES). This is to ensure the general public was so traumatised by Harriet's Death on TV they will ensure that this does not happen in real life in the 2010 elections**.

Please Britain Please.Let me do for the country what I have done for Peckham.

*Duh.. Of course it was an inside job! This is not a spoof blog!

** And people say I don't think ahead?

Rooftop Terrorist is still there

Grrrr.... It is Monday and the the rooftop terrorists are still there. I am now officially homeless. Unbelievable. All of Herne Hill is a buzz and my neighbours at number 22, keep pointing and laughing. These Fathers 4 Justice people really are taking things too far.

Some advice would be handy at this point. What would you do if you were me, dear readers, if some nasty oiks* climbed on top of your roof and started messing about?

I mean, HOW DARE THEY!? Jack of course, is completely useless in these situations **.

Ordinarily I would call the police, but as you can see from the picture, they are already there and doing sweet fanny adams.

It is amazing what our police service has come to. In the good old days, they would have climbed the roof, clobbered the intruders to death with a truncheon, doffed their bobby hats with a "'twas an 'onour to serve, my lady" and i would have tipped them sixpence or if they were lucky, a shilling. Now thy just stare at me gormlessly, muttering something about the Human Rights Act!

In the meantime, Jack and I will be awaiting your advice during our brief stay at the Ritz... ON EXPENSES.


*One of them is a driving instructor for goodness sake and the other is a stonemason!
**He only gets tough when he's part of a big gang, organising a strike somewhere and the other person is hopelessly outnumbered. Put him in a one-on-one situation and he'll wet himself. I know for a fact that I have kicked more ass than Jack.

Most Influential Woman?

I heard yesterday that the independent has released a list of the top 10 most influential women and I was in it! So I rushed to the Herne Hill newsagents to buy a copy of the paper before it was sold out, only to find that I was not number 2, but number 8.

So who do they think is the most influential woman in the country? The Queen. Bollocks to that, I say. We're talking about a woman who only deigns to speak to her "subjects" once a year on Christmas Day when they most likely won't be listening anyway.

And number 2, dare I even speak the name of the he-monster that was Margaret Thatcher. The woman can't even speak, let alone stand on her own two feet, and she hasn't been in power for 18 years!! How could she be more influential than a living, breathing, legislating Harriet Harman? It makes me ill.

So at least I'm number 3 right? WRONG. I am still beaten by JK Rowling, a kiddie novel writer, Posh Spice (fair enoug)h, Shami Chakrabatty who bizarrely is more influential by doing the job I held 28 years ago, and Elisabeth Murdoch who only got there because of her family connections.

So I come in at number 8, just pipping Cherie Blair (how? how?) and Zaha Hadid who I'm sure none of you have even heard of.

What a load of Bollocks.

Where has Harriet Been?

Sorry for not making any updates at all in the past week. I'm a busy woman you know!
Besides, parliament was in recess, (again!) and that means that we MPs should be taking time off from our usual activities including blogging.
So, 10 points for whoever can guess what I've been up to this past week.

a) Trying to raise funds for the Labour Party* before it bankrupts me
b) Gathering up supporters to oust Gordon
c) Crushing Crazy Nadine's dream of being an influential politician
d) Sorting out my £23,000 payrise,
e) Recovering from the Crewe and Nantwich disaster.
f) All of the above.

*Seriously

Harriet Harman looking good

Yesterday someone took a picture of me while I was day dreaming about when I become Prime Minister. Don't I look smart and cute? Certainly a lot better than Jacqui Smith, who was struggling to pay attention to what Gordon was saying and is getting more haggard looking by the minute. The poisoned chalice position of Home Secretary is clearly taking its toll.

At least she's started covering up her cleavage a bit now. Personally, I think the only reason Jacqui ever got noticed was because she stuck her 36DDs out, very vulgar and totally deserving of that caricature on Headcases.

Speaking of which.. I wonder when they'll do me. Surely I am important enough to have someone spoof me by now?

Harriet Harman's Blog...

...is back up.

God help us.
I wonder what the new password is.
Whoever is writing it, is not even bothering to blog properly anymore. Just a to-do list of what I'm doing each day such as trying to solve the terrible problem of young people hanging around an estate.

Speaking of which, someone has cunningly noticed my little white lie on Adam Boulton's show last week. Any excuses...? Like i said before When all else fails, act girly and stupid and people will go easy on you.

I really should write a book about survival tips for a long-term political career.

Quote of the Day - 28th Apr

writes the headline titles>
In the middle of a very long and rambly post.


I guess the point is that the cotton bag gives the impression that it is doing good, when in fact it is not - like the Common Agricultural Policy, Greenpeace and Harriet Harman. - TrannyFattyAcid

Harsh. ..not that I ever liked Greenpeace.

The Harriet Harman Guide to Survival

At least now after my lovely April Fool's prank, people are finally realising that this is not a spoof but Happy Harriet Harman's actual blog where Happy Harriet Harman blogs about what she's thinking.
Aye.
Was on Sky News yesterday morning.
Watch me admit my password was "Harriet Harman".
I wouldn't know that if I wasn't me, now would I?

There is a fool proof way to avoid interview hassle, you know. Just as there is a different one to blocking hostile, tough questions at PMQs.
Admit everything, act girly, bat eyelids - people will believe you're just a silly woman who doesn't understand teknologee.
They will then continually underestimate you and give you the upper hand, leaving them baffled, scratching their heads wondering how you manage to survive the political jungle.

Harriet Harman Defects to The Conservatives

What a terrible day for Labour.
The telegraph opinion polls for today put us on 26% that is 18% behind the tories on 44%!!

Labour is truly doomed.
The party is in pieces and on the verge of collapse.
This is certainly the last straw
Whoever's cleaning up the mess, IT CERTAINLY WON'T BE HARRIET HARMAN QC MP! I can tell you that now.

What a bunch of sorry losers! I will be moving to a party more in keeping with people of my social class thank you very much!
26 years canoodling with the oiks is more than enough and I need a breath of fresh air!

Stuff your 5 jobs Gordon, there is nothing you can say to keep me see you on the other side of the house*!




*I wonder if I have to write a letter to David Cameron asking to be in his party, or if I can just cross the floor and everything will work out?

Harriet puts her feet up

It's been a relaxing couple of days. When Parliament is in recess we are supposed to be working in our constituencies but nobody really does that. (SShhh.. don't tell anyone!) This means that being an MP is just like being a teacher except that we get paid lots more and can't go on strike although we just might do if this relentless witch-hunt on our expenses doesn' t stop.
It would be drastic action but people would then understand the invaluable contribution we MPs make to society.

Imagine how distraught people would be, knowing that Harriet Harman wasn't working hard in parliament, creating lots of new laws and holding topical debates.

The country would fall apart!

This two week holiday, I mean recess is a well-deserved rest.

Harriet is a contender!

I'm not ashamed to say that I'm still basking in the glow of Wednesday's success at Prime Minister's Questions. I hope dear Gordon appreciates the hard work i put in for him. A few people have even suggested that I contest the leadership of the Labour Party. What? It's not like Gordon is doing a sterling job is he?
Picking his nose, Getting lost everywhere, bottling elections and quite frankly acting like a right twat!

I am a serious contender and quite frankly, I could do better!
Eat your heart out, Jack Straw!

The Triumph of Harriet Harman

Wasn't this afternoon's PMQs a triumph?
William Hague didn't see me coming.
This is what you get when you send a man to do a woman's job.

I would love to go through every second of it, how sweet it was. I wore my calm and soothing white jacket which I find works wonders in emergency situations.
I have also been taught an ingenious way to deal with those annoying questions put forward by the bloody opposition.
I only need to say "I won't take lectures from (insert name)" or "I won't listen to so-and-so who (insert misdemeanour)" and it works every time! What a fantastic technique, I can't imagine why Dear Gordon doesn't use it more often.

Thanks to everyone who helped me prepare. Especially Ayesha Hazarika, my special advisor, who as you know is also a part-time comedienne and has been teaching me how to tell jokes. Maybe one day they will stop calling me a humourless ice-queen as I like a joke as much as the next person.
It was tough having to memorise all those put-downs, not knowing who was going to turn up at the despatch box, I admit, I almost used the leopard print shoes put-down we'd rehearsed in case it was Theresa May but luckily I realised it was Hague just in time.

Hague sat on his front bench surrounded by the 2 Theresas and that awful, awful Cheryl Gilligan.
They started off laughing at me, and comparing me to bloody Margaret Thatcher. How Dare They! Bastards! Then I pointed out that women in the Modern Tory Party are seen and not heard. There was a great cheer in the chamber and the two Theresas looked like they'd just been chewing their livers. OH RAPTURE!

An uglier trio of women Hague could not have put on the front bench.

So it all went well and even Virgina Bottomley's husband asking a question about RPIs and CPIs (what are they?) couldn't spoil it. Clearly he was trying to show me up, but I batted his question away although Gordon might have to deal with it when he gets back.
Now for a bottle of champagne!

Peckham Precautions

The Daily Mail bastards have continued today with their hateful campaign against me.

I know this is supposed to be my Happy Blog, but how is Harriet supposed to stay happy when that awful paper insists on writing articles on a daily basis solely to humiliate and ultimately destroy me?

This morning they published my aide's pictures of me in a stab proof jacket during a police walkabout in Peckham yesterday. The pictures were of course meant only for local newspapers to show what a great job I'm doing here, not for outrageous and ludicrous accusations.

The fucking mail article, (written by two men of course) deliberately misquotes me.
"'It is absolutely crucial to have neighbourhood policing which is visible,' she wrote. 'People feel safer when there is a police presents (sic)."
As you can see below, at no point did I say sick on my website. The idiots can't even spell the bloody word, let alone misquote it properly!
Like I told John Humprhys on the Today programme earlier, it was a matter of courtesy and I often wear Indian outfits to make my indian constituents feel more comfortable. It shows just how inferior English culture is that they make women my age cover up their tummies. I wore that stab proof jacket as a matter of courtesy. You have to show respect on the streets of Peckham and that's all I was doing. Humprhys spent the whole interview laughing. What a shit. He's just another evil man who can't handle a successful woman who holds down 5 jobs at a time.

You Ask The Questions: Harriet Harman MP

I am featured in this morning's edition of the Independent.
The Independent lets people like me who are very busy answer questions from ordinary and average people. I'm a bit disappointed that I am referred to as Harriet Harman MP. They should know that it is actually Harriet Harman QC MP. Very few women actually make it to QC. Most of them have to be barristers and stand up in court and other masculine things, but I proved a point that you don't have to be masculine to be successful.

For instance I am a successful blogger and web publisher with not one but two blogs! Both in pretty feminine colours. This in red and my other blog in lilac with loverly girly writing. I did this without having any porn on my blog either. One day I will ban porn.

I was very angry when some horrible man (as usual) asked if as a feminist, I was proud of Margaret Thatcher. I hate it when people ask me about Thatcher. My response?

No, because she was out to prove she was as every bit as nasty as all the men in her cabinet. Feminism is about progressive politics and solidarity with other women. Thatcher was neither.

Quite frankly, Margaret Thatcher becoming the first woman Prime Minister does not count as she had to act like a man to get there. She did everything but the sex-op! Sorry, but it's true and someone has to say it.

Labour is the only party that has provided high ranking feminine secretary of states. We provided the first female home secretary and the first female foreign secretary. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but having been elected Deputy Leader of the Labour Party I am pretty much the most successful British female politician of all time. I did this without becoming a man, masculine or doing manly things. No one else has achieved what I have.

I don't think the Tory Party can ever produce a feminine woman Prime Minister. Everyone knows that women are nice and not nasty and tory women are nasty and if you ask me a bunch of she-dogs to boot (no, I won't use the b-word, no good feminist does).