Harriet "Jones" for PM

My regular readers will know that I have been planning to be Britain's first female Prime Minister since my first post on this blog where I proved that Margaret Thatcher was not really a woman.

It is therefore, extremely annoying when people like Guido insinuate that I've been"secretly plotting" to become PM. What secret? What plot?If you'd been paying attention you'd have spotted enough clues, you stupid men.

Isnt' it suspicious that I always manage to keep myself on the front pages, inspite of Gordon's attempt to banish me into the Outer Hebrides of the Cabinet? Hmmm?

• Wearing a stab vest to show how much I care about knife crime,
  
• Organising a hack of my own blog and then mysteriously being the first person to talk about it here*
  
• Getting those men in superhero suits to jump on my roof top (they got there again very early this morning, well done boys). This is a publicity stunt to ensure that nobody is talking about anything else but me before my 2nd take of PMQs this afternoon. Hopefully it will be as glorious and victorious as last time.
  
• Helpful articles by my friends in the media, Polly and Jackie.
  

You don't think all of this was a co-incidence do you?

Other clues have been more subtle , with the always helpful co-operation of the BBC, I managed to organise the insertion of Harriet "Jones" as Prime Minister in Doctor Who. This broadcast a subliminal message to the country that someone called Harriet will one day be Prime Minister. She is played by Penelope Wilton who is a dead ringer for me in case people get confused and start thinking of Jacqui or Tessa.

Harriet Jones is great and eventually saves the earth by giving up her own life. The BBC did insist sadly on her eventual annihilation by the Daleks (i.e THE EVIL TORIES). This is to ensure the general public was so traumatised by Harriet's Death on TV they will ensure that this does not happen in real life in the 2010 elections**.

Please Britain Please.Let me do for the country what I have done for Peckham.

*Duh.. Of course it was an inside job! This is not a spoof blog!

** And people say I don't think ahead?

The Triumph of Harriet Harman

Wasn't this afternoon's PMQs a triumph?
William Hague didn't see me coming.
This is what you get when you send a man to do a woman's job.

I would love to go through every second of it, how sweet it was. I wore my calm and soothing white jacket which I find works wonders in emergency situations.
I have also been taught an ingenious way to deal with those annoying questions put forward by the bloody opposition.
I only need to say "I won't take lectures from (insert name)" or "I won't listen to so-and-so who (insert misdemeanour)" and it works every time! What a fantastic technique, I can't imagine why Dear Gordon doesn't use it more often.

Thanks to everyone who helped me prepare. Especially Ayesha Hazarika, my special advisor, who as you know is also a part-time comedienne and has been teaching me how to tell jokes. Maybe one day they will stop calling me a humourless ice-queen as I like a joke as much as the next person.
It was tough having to memorise all those put-downs, not knowing who was going to turn up at the despatch box, I admit, I almost used the leopard print shoes put-down we'd rehearsed in case it was Theresa May but luckily I realised it was Hague just in time.

Hague sat on his front bench surrounded by the 2 Theresas and that awful, awful Cheryl Gilligan.
They started off laughing at me, and comparing me to bloody Margaret Thatcher. How Dare They! Bastards! Then I pointed out that women in the Modern Tory Party are seen and not heard. There was a great cheer in the chamber and the two Theresas looked like they'd just been chewing their livers. OH RAPTURE!

An uglier trio of women Hague could not have put on the front bench.

So it all went well and even Virgina Bottomley's husband asking a question about RPIs and CPIs (what are they?) couldn't spoil it. Clearly he was trying to show me up, but I batted his question away although Gordon might have to deal with it when he gets back.
Now for a bottle of champagne!

April Fools?

Misogynistic, right-wing, fat, male blogger Guido Fawkes is writing that I will not be facing Theresa May tomorrow but misogynistic (he’s had 2 wives), right-wing fat male Boris Johnson. This doesn’t make any sense, is this an April Fool’s joke? I can’t tell. I’ve already memorized all my lines for Hague tomorrow and if this is true I will have to start all over again. Obviously this shouldn’t be too hard. I have heard that Boris is a clown and a buffoon, so he probably won’t be very good at PMQs and everyone will be laughing at him when

This just goes to show that the testosterone ridden Tory party clearly have no respect for the house of commons and treat the whole thing as a joke. Putting up a Johnson instead of one of my 5 shadows is a slap in the face of parliamentary procedure. They would never dare do this if Gordon was around. This is my chance to shine and I won’t have my PMQs turned into a braying session for a bunch of Hooray Henrys.

Deputy Harriet Gets PMQs at Last!

Hooray! Some happy news to report at last. I will finally, FINALLY be taking Prime Ministers Questions next Wednesday. Dearest Gordon is away doing something or other and I will be in charge.

No doubt, I will be facing Theresa May who attempts to sound upper class during business questions are getting more and more desperate. People like me who are really upper class no that it is not the done thing to show off your station in life. You will notice that whenever I am taking questions, I always take care to use the sort of English that average people will be comfortable with.

I think Theresa is intimidated by me. Not counting Angela Merkel, I am the most successful female politician of the 21st century. I am certainly the most successful British female politician of all time as I explained here.

She must be quaking in her leopard print kitten heels about facing me next week in front of the whole house.