Harriet "Jones" for PM

My regular readers will know that I have been planning to be Britain's first female Prime Minister since my first post on this blog where I proved that Margaret Thatcher was not really a woman.

It is therefore, extremely annoying when people like Guido insinuate that I've been"secretly plotting" to become PM. What secret? What plot?If you'd been paying attention you'd have spotted enough clues, you stupid men.

Isnt' it suspicious that I always manage to keep myself on the front pages, inspite of Gordon's attempt to banish me into the Outer Hebrides of the Cabinet? Hmmm?

• Wearing a stab vest to show how much I care about knife crime,
  
• Organising a hack of my own blog and then mysteriously being the first person to talk about it here*
  
• Getting those men in superhero suits to jump on my roof top (they got there again very early this morning, well done boys). This is a publicity stunt to ensure that nobody is talking about anything else but me before my 2nd take of PMQs this afternoon. Hopefully it will be as glorious and victorious as last time.
  
• Helpful articles by my friends in the media, Polly and Jackie.
  

You don't think all of this was a co-incidence do you?

Other clues have been more subtle , with the always helpful co-operation of the BBC, I managed to organise the insertion of Harriet "Jones" as Prime Minister in Doctor Who. This broadcast a subliminal message to the country that someone called Harriet will one day be Prime Minister. She is played by Penelope Wilton who is a dead ringer for me in case people get confused and start thinking of Jacqui or Tessa.

Harriet Jones is great and eventually saves the earth by giving up her own life. The BBC did insist sadly on her eventual annihilation by the Daleks (i.e THE EVIL TORIES). This is to ensure the general public was so traumatised by Harriet's Death on TV they will ensure that this does not happen in real life in the 2010 elections**.

Please Britain Please.Let me do for the country what I have done for Peckham.

*Duh.. Of course it was an inside job! This is not a spoof blog!

** And people say I don't think ahead?

Aunty Diluvian

I know you're wondering where I've been.
Undercover, that's where. It's a dangerous time to be a member of the labour party. We are not popular at all, not even with ourselves.

I really need to blog about something else other than Labour issues right now which are just too depressing. Something that will cheer me up. Hmm... Let's see.. How about Nadine Dorries? She's always good for a laugh. "Who?" I hear you ask. Exactly.

Nadine is a backbench Tory nobody (who as my constiutents would say, "thinks she is all that"). Whenever people complain about the poor quality of female labour MPs, I point smugly at the crazy lady sitting on the Tory benches who single-handedly makes us look like the army of competent intellectual professionals we know ourselves to be.

Yesterday, Nadine complained that another Tory MP, John Bercow, used BIG words that she didn't understand like p-r-e-j-u-d-i-c-e-d and then continues:

Antediluvian isn’t a word you hear much on the housing estates across Britain, so I had to ask what it meant*.

Well Quite. My personal experience is that you don't hear many words on housing estates, people there prefer to communicate by a series of grunts and growls.
I think it is rather rude of Nadine to speak ofthe working classes -her own people, in such a fashion. Perhaps someone should tell her that a housing estate is not the best place to go if one needs to improve one's diction.

It is shocking though. This is a word that is used many times in parliament. We tend to use a lot of big words in the house you know. It's not a place for illiterate old nurses. Clearly, she should have checked her dictionary during the debates then, not just assumed we were talking about some MP's relative! At least she she had the good sense to finally ask someone yesterday, even though she still got the meaning of the word wrong.

Before a flood apparently

No, Dear. Before THE Flood. Not just any flood, or all floods, Nadine. Sheesh.
Presumably now she thinks that John Bercow was referring to her as something that happens before a flood -A sort of giant sandbag perhaps?
She then uses the word 5 more times (practice makes perfect!) although never seems to quite grasp its meaning.

The good thing though is that unlike me, Nadine does not allow comments on her blog, which means that no one will be able to correct her and we can all have a good laugh for a while. Yes Mid Bedfordshire, read it and weep. This is the woman YOU voted for, who represents your views in parliament. Remember that next time you write a letter to your MP and use simple words or textspeak.

*Will someone please get the woman a dictionary for Christmas? It is too risky letting her "ask somebody".

The Three Ages of Female Tory MPs

I'm back!*.

Just stumbled on fresh-faced, blonde Tory candidate Charlotte Leslie's blog on The Guardian's Comment is Free.

It's a pretty humdrum blog, although on reading it, I can tell from my 26 years experience as a parliamentarian that Charlotte is a crazy in the making. The pretty ones always are :-(

Shame though. As any seasoned political observer knows there are only 3 ages to the female Tory MP -Babe, Junior Minister, and "Nadine Dorries". No one stays a babe for very long and others like Nadine manage to skip the whole ministerial thing and jump straight to Medusa.
Surely a fate worse than death.
Yes I know most of you are thinking, Nadine Dorries.. who?
I should explain, but where do I start?
Sigh.
More later.


*apologies for the late blogging. Only just recovering from traumatising Austrian father incest disgusto story. What is with those people and their bloody cellars anyway? Will take a while to shift those images from my brain which was unable to think of anything worth blogging about for a good 12 hours. That's the last time I read the metro in the morning!

Lying Dawn Butler

Poor Dawn Butler. It's hard enough being a woman without being black as well and having to put up with such awful comments from Tory Lord Snootys. Ewww.

She is backed by Diane Abbott, the only other black woman in the Commons, who said that she had suffered 20 years of prejudice. 'In the beginning, some of it was sheer ignorance. I remember being shocked when a Labour MP asked me once whether we celebrated Christmas in Jamaica,' said Abbott, Labour MP for Hackney North and Stoke Newington.

I thought must be true as it was backed up by Diane Abbott who as I've mentioned before, is very clever although sometimes uppity. However I was quite shocked that a Labour MP would ask such an offensive question as everyone knows that Christmas is an English tradition. But then Dawn accuses MPs from all parties as being racists.

Clearly the story is not true. It is a fact that there are no racists in the labour party. None. Not One. Labour MPs like myself, take great pains to reach out to ethnic minorities to make them feel comfortable. Remember how I said I regularly wear Indian outfits to meet Indian constituents? Well I didn't say it then so as not to sound like I was bragging, but I also wear afro-caribbean outfits ones when my black constituents are around too. This pleases them very much.

In fact, just to prove it. Here are some pictures of me on my 25th anniversary of becoming an MP. I invited all these ethnic minorities to Portcullis House to show how inclusive Labour is and just so they didn't feel like they did not belong, I wore my kente scarf across my jacket. Kente is a type of fabric from Ghana, which as you should know is one of the largest countries in the Caribbean!

This proves my point
QED.

The Triumph of Harriet Harman

Wasn't this afternoon's PMQs a triumph?
William Hague didn't see me coming.
This is what you get when you send a man to do a woman's job.

I would love to go through every second of it, how sweet it was. I wore my calm and soothing white jacket which I find works wonders in emergency situations.
I have also been taught an ingenious way to deal with those annoying questions put forward by the bloody opposition.
I only need to say "I won't take lectures from (insert name)" or "I won't listen to so-and-so who (insert misdemeanour)" and it works every time! What a fantastic technique, I can't imagine why Dear Gordon doesn't use it more often.

Thanks to everyone who helped me prepare. Especially Ayesha Hazarika, my special advisor, who as you know is also a part-time comedienne and has been teaching me how to tell jokes. Maybe one day they will stop calling me a humourless ice-queen as I like a joke as much as the next person.
It was tough having to memorise all those put-downs, not knowing who was going to turn up at the despatch box, I admit, I almost used the leopard print shoes put-down we'd rehearsed in case it was Theresa May but luckily I realised it was Hague just in time.

Hague sat on his front bench surrounded by the 2 Theresas and that awful, awful Cheryl Gilligan.
They started off laughing at me, and comparing me to bloody Margaret Thatcher. How Dare They! Bastards! Then I pointed out that women in the Modern Tory Party are seen and not heard. There was a great cheer in the chamber and the two Theresas looked like they'd just been chewing their livers. OH RAPTURE!

An uglier trio of women Hague could not have put on the front bench.

So it all went well and even Virgina Bottomley's husband asking a question about RPIs and CPIs (what are they?) couldn't spoil it. Clearly he was trying to show me up, but I batted his question away although Gordon might have to deal with it when he gets back.
Now for a bottle of champagne!

Deputy Harriet Gets PMQs at Last!

Hooray! Some happy news to report at last. I will finally, FINALLY be taking Prime Ministers Questions next Wednesday. Dearest Gordon is away doing something or other and I will be in charge.

No doubt, I will be facing Theresa May who attempts to sound upper class during business questions are getting more and more desperate. People like me who are really upper class no that it is not the done thing to show off your station in life. You will notice that whenever I am taking questions, I always take care to use the sort of English that average people will be comfortable with.

I think Theresa is intimidated by me. Not counting Angela Merkel, I am the most successful female politician of the 21st century. I am certainly the most successful British female politician of all time as I explained here.

She must be quaking in her leopard print kitten heels about facing me next week in front of the whole house.

You Ask The Questions: Harriet Harman MP

I am featured in this morning's edition of the Independent.
The Independent lets people like me who are very busy answer questions from ordinary and average people. I'm a bit disappointed that I am referred to as Harriet Harman MP. They should know that it is actually Harriet Harman QC MP. Very few women actually make it to QC. Most of them have to be barristers and stand up in court and other masculine things, but I proved a point that you don't have to be masculine to be successful.

For instance I am a successful blogger and web publisher with not one but two blogs! Both in pretty feminine colours. This in red and my other blog in lilac with loverly girly writing. I did this without having any porn on my blog either. One day I will ban porn.

I was very angry when some horrible man (as usual) asked if as a feminist, I was proud of Margaret Thatcher. I hate it when people ask me about Thatcher. My response?

No, because she was out to prove she was as every bit as nasty as all the men in her cabinet. Feminism is about progressive politics and solidarity with other women. Thatcher was neither.

Quite frankly, Margaret Thatcher becoming the first woman Prime Minister does not count as she had to act like a man to get there. She did everything but the sex-op! Sorry, but it's true and someone has to say it.

Labour is the only party that has provided high ranking feminine secretary of states. We provided the first female home secretary and the first female foreign secretary. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but having been elected Deputy Leader of the Labour Party I am pretty much the most successful British female politician of all time. I did this without becoming a man, masculine or doing manly things. No one else has achieved what I have.

I don't think the Tory Party can ever produce a feminine woman Prime Minister. Everyone knows that women are nice and not nasty and tory women are nasty and if you ask me a bunch of she-dogs to boot (no, I won't use the b-word, no good feminist does).