Harriet "Jones" for PM

My regular readers will know that I have been planning to be Britain's first female Prime Minister since my first post on this blog where I proved that Margaret Thatcher was not really a woman.

It is therefore, extremely annoying when people like Guido insinuate that I've been"secretly plotting" to become PM. What secret? What plot?If you'd been paying attention you'd have spotted enough clues, you stupid men.

Isnt' it suspicious that I always manage to keep myself on the front pages, inspite of Gordon's attempt to banish me into the Outer Hebrides of the Cabinet? Hmmm?

• Wearing a stab vest to show how much I care about knife crime,
  
• Organising a hack of my own blog and then mysteriously being the first person to talk about it here*
  
• Getting those men in superhero suits to jump on my roof top (they got there again very early this morning, well done boys). This is a publicity stunt to ensure that nobody is talking about anything else but me before my 2nd take of PMQs this afternoon. Hopefully it will be as glorious and victorious as last time.
  
• Helpful articles by my friends in the media, Polly and Jackie.
  

You don't think all of this was a co-incidence do you?

Other clues have been more subtle , with the always helpful co-operation of the BBC, I managed to organise the insertion of Harriet "Jones" as Prime Minister in Doctor Who. This broadcast a subliminal message to the country that someone called Harriet will one day be Prime Minister. She is played by Penelope Wilton who is a dead ringer for me in case people get confused and start thinking of Jacqui or Tessa.

Harriet Jones is great and eventually saves the earth by giving up her own life. The BBC did insist sadly on her eventual annihilation by the Daleks (i.e THE EVIL TORIES). This is to ensure the general public was so traumatised by Harriet's Death on TV they will ensure that this does not happen in real life in the 2010 elections**.

Please Britain Please.Let me do for the country what I have done for Peckham.

*Duh.. Of course it was an inside job! This is not a spoof blog!

** And people say I don't think ahead?

In Peckham Today

Today is Friday, which means instead of leading the House of Commons, I have to be in my constituency talking to residents there who have problems. Shudders.

A complete waste of time as everyone knows they will vote Labour anyway.
The caseload is unusually high as well.
They must have seen me on BBC last week, saying how "determined I was to listen".
I wasn't talking to you, Peckham!

Boris's new Crony.

Now that our Minister for London (yes that's you Tessa) has completely ballsed up the london elections and handed the mayoralty to the Tories on a silver platter, I am effectively the last London Labour MP standing*. Diane Abbott has been slapped down and Kate Hoey, aka "Bonkers" didn't even wait for the results to be announced before jumping on the Boris Bandwagon.

The Labour Bloggers** and myself are now what's left of the London opposition to Tory Mayor.
Sigh.
Leading from the front is Bob Piper who has just discovered that Boris has hired a black person to be his Deputy Mayor. Yup, you read that right - Ray Lewis, a black person!
This is a shamelesss hijacking of Labour Party policy if I ever saw one. Everyone knows that Black people are a Labour thing.
I never thought the Tories would stoop so low and as Bob points out, this is cronyism of the worst kind - Look at the way they're hugging for goodness sake!

Just as he was announcing that he wants the focus of his mayoralty to be on youth gun and knife crime. One of the inconsiderate shits in my Peckham constituency decides to go and get himself stabbed to death. An altogether rather convenient death, wouldn't you say? No doubt organised by the Tory mafia!

*Yes I know there are other London Labour MPs, but you can't remember any of them can you? Exactly. Neither can I. QED.
**those of them that have regained consciousness and not living in denial

Mortgage Woes

Some worrying news about house prices.

The Telegraph had a story yesterday about how homes in Labour heartlands may be plunged into negative equity.

Areas of Manchester, Glasgow, south-east London and Birmingham are said to be potential "negative equity hot spots"

I hope they are just scaremongering and if not, surely Camberwell and Peckham wouldn't be affected! One of the things I like about my constituents is that so few of them live in their own homes. In fact 65% of them live in council or housing assocation owned properties.
Silly aspirations of everyone owning their own home are what caused the credit crunch. Now Peckhamites have nothing to fear from any housing crisis. This is why I strongly encourage people to live in social housing -wherever possible, let the government take care and protect you.

This is also why I continually call for more social housing. The more people that live in social housing, the more will want to vote for a socialist/labour government and a responsible person like myself planning and overseeing everything.

We Deputy Leaders are not immune to downturns in the economy you know. Although I can put most spending on my parliamentary expenses, that might become more difficult if the witch-hunt carries on. I don't live in the heart of Peckham but I do live in south-east London and for the deputy leadership elections I took out a £10,000 overdraft and re-mortgaged our home for £40,000 . Jack says that at 14.9%, the rate was very competitive and I trust him when it comes to money issues, after all he is the Labour Party Treasurer! And it was all worth it, I spent twice as much as Alan Johnson and just narrowly beat him.

Of course the repayments can be put on my parliamentary expenses so I'm not really out of pocket. I'm just saying so you know that Jack and I are a couple who always get the best deal for Johnny Taxpayer!

Peckham Precautions

The Daily Mail bastards have continued today with their hateful campaign against me.

I know this is supposed to be my Happy Blog, but how is Harriet supposed to stay happy when that awful paper insists on writing articles on a daily basis solely to humiliate and ultimately destroy me?

This morning they published my aide's pictures of me in a stab proof jacket during a police walkabout in Peckham yesterday. The pictures were of course meant only for local newspapers to show what a great job I'm doing here, not for outrageous and ludicrous accusations.

The fucking mail article, (written by two men of course) deliberately misquotes me.
"'It is absolutely crucial to have neighbourhood policing which is visible,' she wrote. 'People feel safer when there is a police presents (sic)."
As you can see below, at no point did I say sick on my website. The idiots can't even spell the bloody word, let alone misquote it properly!
Like I told John Humprhys on the Today programme earlier, it was a matter of courtesy and I often wear Indian outfits to make my indian constituents feel more comfortable. It shows just how inferior English culture is that they make women my age cover up their tummies. I wore that stab proof jacket as a matter of courtesy. You have to show respect on the streets of Peckham and that's all I was doing. Humprhys spent the whole interview laughing. What a shit. He's just another evil man who can't handle a successful woman who holds down 5 jobs at a time.