The Three Ages of Female Tory MPs

I'm back!*.

Just stumbled on fresh-faced, blonde Tory candidate Charlotte Leslie's blog on The Guardian's Comment is Free.

It's a pretty humdrum blog, although on reading it, I can tell from my 26 years experience as a parliamentarian that Charlotte is a crazy in the making. The pretty ones always are :-(

Shame though. As any seasoned political observer knows there are only 3 ages to the female Tory MP -Babe, Junior Minister, and "Nadine Dorries". No one stays a babe for very long and others like Nadine manage to skip the whole ministerial thing and jump straight to Medusa.
Surely a fate worse than death.
Yes I know most of you are thinking, Nadine Dorries.. who?
I should explain, but where do I start?
Sigh.
More later.


*apologies for the late blogging. Only just recovering from traumatising Austrian father incest disgusto story. What is with those people and their bloody cellars anyway? Will take a while to shift those images from my brain which was unable to think of anything worth blogging about for a good 12 hours. That's the last time I read the metro in the morning!

Quote of the Day - 28th Apr

writes the headline titles>
In the middle of a very long and rambly post.


I guess the point is that the cotton bag gives the impression that it is doing good, when in fact it is not - like the Common Agricultural Policy, Greenpeace and Harriet Harman. - TrannyFattyAcid

Harsh. ..not that I ever liked Greenpeace.

On Conspiracy Theories

It's amazing how quickly a conspiracy theory develops.
Never mind that I've been blogging on and off since February about all sorts of things, some rather desperate people at StopBoris seem to think it was all a pre-planned right-wing conspiracy to boost Boris in the polls.
Raaaaaaaiiiiight.
You give the Boris campaign too much credit, methinks.

Only one person comes dangerously close to the truth here... clever, clever. Must watch out.


I can tell they are desperate from their website colour scheme.
It looks like someone has been hacking at Boris with a meat cleaver.
These people don't want to stop Boris, they want to kill him.
Good Luck with that!

I am reminded of a great quote by Thomas Sowell, who as most socialists realise is an apologist for all evil who mostly talks rubbish but occasionally he comes out with some good stuff

One of the reasons for conspiracy theories is an assumption that people in high places always know what they are doing. When they do something that makes no sense, devious reasons are imagined by conspiracy theorists, when in fact it may be due to plain old ignorance and incompetence.

It is true that by and large politicians (except me!) have no clue what is going on most of the time. Look at Gordon. Is that a man who knows what he is doing? Zackly.

What I don't know is where people get some of these crazy ideas from.
Boris is not a real toff. He never has been.
Sure, he talks the toff talk (no pun intended) but he wasn't born into a posh family like me or Hilary Benn. He's not even English! And he didn't even pay his school fees at Eton. Boris Johnson was a scholarship boy! No better than the riff raff that got a private education through the government assisted places scheme. I am so proud that I was part of the Labour Government that abolished those. Just because they're called "public" schools doesn't mean that everybody should be allowed to go there.

Labour believes in equality above all things. This means that all riff-raff should go to the same schools, not that some riff-raff start thinking that they are better than the others.

Back to Boris. His claim to pedigree is that he is the great grandson of some foreigner in a funny cap. Who? Exactly. There are no earls, dukes or countesses in the lineage of Boris The Great Pretender.

The Harriet Harman Guide to Survival

At least now after my lovely April Fool's prank, people are finally realising that this is not a spoof but Happy Harriet Harman's actual blog where Happy Harriet Harman blogs about what she's thinking.
Aye.
Was on Sky News yesterday morning.
Watch me admit my password was "Harriet Harman".
I wouldn't know that if I wasn't me, now would I?

There is a fool proof way to avoid interview hassle, you know. Just as there is a different one to blocking hostile, tough questions at PMQs.
Admit everything, act girly, bat eyelids - people will believe you're just a silly woman who doesn't understand teknologee.
They will then continually underestimate you and give you the upper hand, leaving them baffled, scratching their heads wondering how you manage to survive the political jungle.

Exhausted

Blogging will be non-existent for the rest of the weekend

You should subscribe to the RSS feed for the next update, and if you don't know what that means well, just bookmark the page for now and I'll explain later.

GOTCHA! April's Fool

Someone just told me that April Fool is only meant for the 1st of April...* I had to inform her that this rule is only for plebs and not for the Lord Privy Seal!
Of course I'm not joining the Conservatives and of course I'm not supporting Ken, er.. I mean Boris. Duh!

It's been a long day though. Phone ringing off hook.
Nothing from Gordon yet although he doesn't find anything funny.
No mention in Evening Standard, although I notice they managed to mention blogging nonentity, Iain Dale. Pah!

So perhaps I owe you good people an explanation.
Like I said yesterday, This is not a spoof blog.
This is pure, unmitigated Happy Harriet.
The truth is that the horrible (and exceedingly dull) Harriet's Blog
http://blog.harrietharman.org was not written by me.

Day in, day out I had to put up with the flavourless guff being churned out by Labour Party HQ. Surely you recognised their M.O?
I, at least would like to respond to the comments of my readers and my fans.
So I decided, enough was enough. Harriet Harman doesn' t need to put up with this crap!
And broke into the site.
No, I am not a script kiddie. Don't be so silly!
I didn't even have to guess the password.

Surely you don't think that Harriet Harman QC MP, would be daft enough to use -
Username: Harriet
Password: Harman
on her official blog ?
Quite.

Now the Labour Party.... that's another kettle of fish.

Who cares that "Labour's deputy leader visits showcase £30m PFI school in Oldham"? Or about my "Let's talk about where you live" event with Bolton women? People want juicy gossip. They want to know what I'm thinking and that is what I, Happy Harriet Queen of Hearts will give them.

Thank you all those who offered to buy me a drink. I'm touched, but really I must keep my head down, the rest of the parliamentary labour party is pretty pissed off right now. Maybe someday in the future.

And to all those desperate lefty trolls (that's you "Tory boys never grow up") who are gleefully hoping the police will be banging on my door sometime soon, well all I have to say to that is
"Ppllllbbhhhbpppbbbblllbbbbblltbbbbttttbbbbttthhh!!!**

*"Bullshit!", I said. April Fools' is for anyday in April. If it always happens on the 1st of April, then it's not a surprise is it? Everybody knows that!

**In case you're wondering, that's me sticking my tongue out at you.

This is not a spoof blog!

It really is getting rather tiresome how many emails I'm getting, telling me how amusing my spoof blog is. They are no more comforting than the hundreds of "Burn in Hell, Evil Witch!!" or "How dare you mock our Harriet!" coming from the more feeble minded members of my former party (Labour for those of you who aren't sure).

For goodness sake, I'll say it once and once only....

THIS IS NOT A SPOOF BLOG!

It's what I like to call a complimentary blog. To complement my official one which is really boring, but which for legal reasons has to stay quite dull.

You don't believe me?
Fine.

Go to my Real Blog Then and see if you don't find the same post about the defection.

For a limited time only, I have removed the comment moderation over there, knock yourselves out :-)

Harriet Harman Defects to The Conservatives

What a terrible day for Labour.
The telegraph opinion polls for today put us on 26% that is 18% behind the tories on 44%!!

Labour is truly doomed.
The party is in pieces and on the verge of collapse.
This is certainly the last straw
Whoever's cleaning up the mess, IT CERTAINLY WON'T BE HARRIET HARMAN QC MP! I can tell you that now.

What a bunch of sorry losers! I will be moving to a party more in keeping with people of my social class thank you very much!
26 years canoodling with the oiks is more than enough and I need a breath of fresh air!

Stuff your 5 jobs Gordon, there is nothing you can say to keep me see you on the other side of the house*!




*I wonder if I have to write a letter to David Cameron asking to be in his party, or if I can just cross the floor and everything will work out?

Vote Boris for London Mayor!

You have to give it to those Herne Hill Conservatives. They sure know how to convince a woman.
The Boris Johnson leaflet is so pretty and glossy, how can i resist?

Especially when my own party is doing so badly, I didn't even bother showing up for Prime Minister's Questions yesterday. Harriet Harman does no't do losers. No Sirreeeee...

Gordon has refused to take any notice of the helpful tips I gave him about dealing with the opposition at the despatch box. To be honest, I think he might be a tad bit jealous of my success.

I am about to do something that I never thought I'd do. Poor Jack will not speak to me. I don't expect him to understand, given his background.

Natural Selection in South London

Just so you know, I don't just want this to be another blog that attracts an overwhelmingly male audience - Yuk.

I'll try and cover more "human interest" stories that will address the needs of the women in the blogosphere out there who want to read more on politics and social issues, but without the rant-wing writing* that passes for debate these days.

Yesterday, I decided to another "Harriet in the High Street" and chat with people at Brixton Market, Peckham being a bit of a no-go area after recent events, Brixton at least is on the way to Herne Hill so I pass by it often.

Unfortunately, as I exited Brixton Tube, I realised the main High Street was completely closed down. Apparently there'd been a terrible accident. It turns out that Naomi, one of the more colourful characters of Brixton Town Centre had been run over by a prison van.

I was surprised to hear from fellow accident gazers that she was just 30 years old. Looking at her, you'd think she was a youthful 55.
Naomi was a rather delightful person. Of course if you're not used to Brixton-type people, you might have found her intimidating. She was always seen laughing and shouting crazily in the gardens in Windrush Square, wearing her Marlboro Jacket and sometimes holding a can of "Tennants Super" although most times I'm sure it was Carlsberg Special Brew. Her favourite game was jumping into the middle of Brixton Road just as the lights turned green to scare the drivers.
The working classes certainly have an queer sense of humour, but it is not for me to question, only to accomodate.

Read Here for More

It is a tribute to Lambeth borough and Brixton especially that such people find a comfortable place to be themselves. The van driver, obviously a nasty piece of work so ready to run over a harmless frail female just frolicking in his path.

R.I.P. Naomi, may you find space to gambol in peace in the great thoroughfares and busy arterial roads in the sky.

*My code for the right-wing ranting loonies. Aren't I clever?

It's only 10p for crying out loud

What's the big deal about the 10p tax?

Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE is talking about it. Blogs, journos, just yesterday I was supposed to be addressing the Parliamentary Labour Party on Monday only to be nudged aside by Dear Gordon so he could tell everyone about why he wasn't backing down.

I don't understand what the big deal is, after all it's only 10p.

People who don't mind spending hundreds of pounds on handbags, suddenly complain about having 10p taken out of their pay packets.

It really makes you wonder about people's priorities.

I mean here's a rather nasty post speculating on why Labour did it.
Honestly, the cynicism of it all is unbelievable

Only a Tory would complain about us doing whatever it takes to reduce child poverty.

Polly Toynbee, Genius and Intellectual Giant

In a thousand years, the people of the future (or possibly aliens depending on how this climate change thing plays out) will look at the early 21st century and recognise that Polly Toynbee was one of the cleverest and most loved people around*.

Even though she dropped out of uni, she was awarded an honorary doctorate from London South Bank University, one of the best universities in the country with a site in my very own consituency. In your face, swots!

Anyway, today, she analyses our prospects for next week's local elections in an incisive manner and has some good news about us probably winning Slough council! (yay!)
One of the things I love most about her is her ability to write lyrically and without prejudice about those ordinarily beneath her (a skill I am yet to master), teasing out their very essence. She writes:

meet Rob Anderson, local Labour leader and quiet local hero. He devotes his life to what he sees as Labour's municipal values. He is not rare, but an archetype of decent local politics. Son of a Sunderland shipbuilder who came south for work as a dustman and who died of asbestosis, Anderson is a 44-year-old accountant at the Slough Fujitsu offices. He was born and bred on the council estate he now represents, the same estate where Alan Johnson was postman**.

Lovely Stuff coming from one so noble, for as you know, Polly (like me) is related to aristocracy. Descended from an earl, she is!
Wasn't it Kipling who said:
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch, ?

True words indeed. Polly makes us all proud.

*In fact, Polly has many admirers, not least of all a certain Tim Worstall who manages to blog about her at least once a day in between the rest of his anti-woman commentary, the pig! It is an open secret in the blogosphere that Tim (who is not very brght) is madly in love with clever Polly but unfortunately his hatred of all that is female causes his love to manifest in a deranged and twisted form.

**I love her dig at Alan Johnson, who thinks because he was a postman and working class, he is the epitome of Labour. Well get stuffed, Alan! The Labour Party has chosen and it chose me, Harriet Harman QC MP and it was my breeding wot done it.

MP should live in her own constituency

Contrary to popular opinion, I am in fact a bona-fide London resident.

While I am often at our country house in Suffolk or doing walkabouts in Peckham*, we live in a lovely little pad in Herne Hill which is tucked away from the barbarians in Brixton but not as frightfully, middle-class as leafy Dulwich next door. Honestly! The things I do to fit in!

Funnily enough Tessa Jowell is my MP and I have to tell her what is going on here all the time as Tessa as usual really hasn't got a bloody clue. She lives all the way up across the river in Kentish Town in a house. Unlike mine, Tessa's mortgage is fully repaid but she is unable to maintain the calm, serene manner that is quintessentially Harriet Harman. She is aging terribly in case you haven't noticed.

Which begs the question....If Harriet Harman QC MP, niece of the countess of Longford, cousin to the Earl of Pakenham and Lady Antonia Fraser can live in Herne Hill then why can't bloody Tessa and her shifty mafia loving greaseball husband, David Mills?
Hmmm?

I'll tell you why -because she has a lot to prove.
It doesn't matter where I choose to live, social class always tells in the end you see.
However, if poor Tessa chose to live in her constituency, people might realise that she is rather common.

*Ssshhh.. don't tell anyone I said so, but Peckham really is a rather ghastly place. Is it any wonder one needs protective clothing? Representing it is one thing, but actually living there, I mean really! There is such a thing as going too far.

Yasmin Alibhai Brown on the Mayoral Elections

Yasmin Alibhai - Brown had an article out yesterday.
It's called Londoners would be mad to vote for Boris

As usual, Yasmin who is one of the greatest journalists of our time is spot on and a breath of fresh air. You really should read the article, it's all about how Boris is a great white nasty beast yada yada. There are some rather nasty comments about Yasmin in response to the article , it's no surprise the woman thinks all white people want to kill her**.

Anyway, this bit was most interesting:

Boris says whatever he thinks voters want to hear. None of it, nothing really matters. He must think people are fools ..... And there are people out there waiting to be fooled, among them a mate, a black social worker

You have no idea how annoyed I get when I read such things. You'd be surprised how often it occurs. A black person, social worker no less really should know better.
After all we've done for these people, bloody ingrates! We give them a council flat, a nice job doing care or social work, they start earning a bit of money and some tax credits and before you know it they are voting for the Tories. God Help Us.


**Sean Gabb to YBA: Yasmin, are you saying that the white majority in this country is so seething with hatred and discontent that it is only restrained by law from rising up and tearing all the ethnic minorities to pieces?
YBA (cowering) : YES!

Back To Work Tomorrow :-(

Sorry for the light blogging, needed to take a break as the parliamentary recess is over and I have to begin work tomorrow. Oh! Cruel world!

Yesterday´s Independent had a wonderful article "If Women Ruled The World".
Fantastic Suggestions from the female contributors

Sweet Stuff from Catherine Townsend:
Women could look forward to screaming tabloid headlines about the merits of "stay-at-home fathers" versus "working dads" – and would be safe in the knowledge they could have children and a career, since affordable child care would be universally available.

Great Suggestions from Janet Street-Porter, one of the most sensible women on the planet.
All female prisoners (except those serving life for violent crimes) would be released to serve their sentences working in the community. Juvenile offenders would work in old people's homes and hospitals, helping to feed and clothe those less fortunate than themselves. Basic cookery would be taught from the age of seven. All public bodies, hospital boards and police authorities would be forced to appoint the correct proportion of women to their governing bodies. Any organisation receiving public funding, from museums to sports facilities, would have to do the same.
Broadcasters' boards would have to be 50 per cent female to retain franchises. We'd stop meddling in other people's affairs overseas, recall troops from Iraq and Afghanistan, and declare ourselves a nuclear-free peace zone. The minimum wage would be raised – it's mostly women that have to try to live on it.

This would be great stuff from for Labour´s next election manifesto! I will be putting forward my suggestions to Gordon first thing tomorrow morning. Or do I have to? I am the Party Chairperson after all.

The contribution from the men was unsurprisingly derisible

´ever so slightly dull' says Terence Blacker
'Their track record isn't exactly pretty' says Dan Snow

Whatever!

Rest In Peace Gwyneth Dunwoody

I've just been given the very sad news that Gwyneth Dunwoody, Labour MP for Crewe and Nantwich has passed away.

I had been writing a long post about female MPs in the house, but somehow it seems a bit inappropriate now,my comments about Gwyneth were rather unkind.

When I joined the house in 1982, I had hoped that Gwyneth and I would be very good friends. She being one of the few women in parliament, me being a female trailblazer destined for greatness. ..
Both of Gwyneth's grandmothers were suffragettes, and obviously I would want to associate with someone of such distinguished feminist pedigree.

However, I'm sure you probably know that Gwyneth and I didn't really see eye to eye.
She seemed to think I didn't know what I was in parliament for and I felt the same way (about her, not me. Duurghh!). Women are in parliament to help and support each other, Gwyneth always seemed like she felt there were more important things to do.

She once said that I was 'one of certain, particular women who were of the opinion that they had a God-given right to be among the chosen'. Not very helpful as you can imagine!

I remember in November 2000, when I brought in some great reforms, to make the commons more women friendly. Limiting late night sittings and so on, I didn't expect anyone, least of all a woman to complain. I was wrong.

So, Gwyneth Dunwoody, was invited to welcome the greater freedom to plan HER OWN timetable that these wonderful reforms would bring. Do you know what she said?
"I did not think I was coming to Parliament to have my day secured, I rather thought I was coming to this place to examine in considerable detail laws that carry sanctions against people's lives."

Well I never!
I can't say I ever understood Gwyneth's politics, but many people out there thought she was the business. I know she will be missed.

Rest In Peace, Gwyneth Dunwoody.

Harriet Harman is not a hypocrite!

Some silly people are calling me a hypocrite by criticizing Blair for taking a donation from Richard Desmond and then knowingly taking a donation from David Abrahams.

O shut up will you!

First of all, you cannot even compare the two situations. I wouldn't be caught dead taking money from a man who publishes explicit, disgusting pictures of a woman's Chamber of Venus for consumption by dirty old men.
The fact that Desmond's donation was completely legal while Abrahams was not is completely irrelevant. People really need to get their priorities straight!

The Desmond donation stank to high heaven. Sadly not all women MPs care very much about the publication of these dirty magazines, one of the great moral outrages of our time.

Usual suspect, D-List celeb and nudey actress, Glenda Jackson MP of course had no problem with it, saying:
"Pornography is not illegal. We are perfectly happy to canvas for the votes of people who create a market for those products by buying them," she said. "I don't believe in censorship and I don't see why if someone is very rich they should not be allowed to do more for the political life of their country than vote."

Unsurprising really. Jack and I made the unfortunate mistake of renting a video starring a fellow Labour MP. Needless to say, I was shocked. It's called "Women in Love".
DO NOT WATCH IT.

There is a terrible scene where she is mud-wrestling in the nude with some other woman. They looked like a pair of filthy lesbos. It took ages for poor Jack to get the nasty images out of his mind.

Is it any wonder the woman is a supporter of the P*rn and dirty magazine industry?

No police inquiry for Harriet Harman. HURRAH!

First of all, let me heave a sigh of relief. PPPHHHHHHEEEWW!
My luck seems to be in this month, doesn't it?

The Guardian reports that the Electoral Commission has decided not to refer me to the police.
opting for a slap on my delicate wrists instead. I suppose fair's fair, Ho! Hum!

I've been worried sick about this issue for the last 6 months.
Yes, I know I haven't said much about it, but only because this is my HAPPY blog for HAPPY news. It wouldn't be appropriate to have posts like "My Donations Disgrace" up here!

Sadly, I will have to pay the £5,000 back. I'm not sure if it should go to Janet Kidd or David Abrahams. I'll ask Jack, he is very good at working out these complex issues.

Not sure where the refund money will come from though, I've already re-mortgaged the house and taken a £10,000 overdraft from the bank and thrown a rather unsuccessful fundraiser. My sister Sarah also lent me £18,000 (Yeah, good luck getting that back, sis. You will have to prise the money out of my cold dead fingers!). It's unlikely she'll fork out another 5 grand.

Where does a woman like me get that kind of money from?
I might have to get out my Big Book of Ambiguous EU laws for help.

Any ideas readers? Perhaps I can rustle up a statutory instrument very quickly that could allow MPs to claim double pay overtime for any hours worked past 5pm. It will probably fall somewhere under flexible-working or "work-life balance".

Don't think for one second that it can't be done.
I am the Leader of the House and financial scandal or no, the supreme minister in charge of MPs pay, pensions and expenses, I can make it happen!

Still on Domestic Violence

I must say, reading that Times article, I am particularly disappointed in all those women who would rather "work things out" with their partners rather than send the criminals to jail.
In 1990, I wrote a social policy paper with Patricia Hewitt called The Family Way.
I quote myself:

'It cannot be assumed that men are bound to be an asset to family life, or that the presence of fathers in families is necessarily a means to social harmony and cohesion.'

I've only been itching to have this law on the statute books for 17 years and when i finally get it on there, NOBODY USES IT!

Aaargh!

Isn't it a crime to know that a crime has been committed and not report it?
(Note to self: Make a new law for that if there isn't one already. )


It's almost enough to make me sit back and take stock of it all.
Luckily I am a strong woman. Strength means having the self-confidence not to doubt yourself, and that is something I've never ever done.
The battle for equality needs a general who doesn't stop to ask questions. Onwards march!

Domestic Violence: Some people are never satisfied.

There's no pleasing some people is there?

Headline on Tuesday's Times

Since legislation was introduced in July to criminalise domestic abuse at least 5,000 women have failed to report violent partners, judges have claimed. Under the Domestic Violence Act 2007 a breach of a non-molestation order is now a criminal offence and not dealt with in the civil courts.

But battered wives, and sometimes husbands, are reluctant to seek an order for fear of giving their partners a criminal record and, potentially, a prison sentence of up to five years.

This Labour government is breaking it's back bringing out new laws to fix all your problems.

Yet people keep clamouring for the government to do something. We're in parliament almost every day working tirelessly, churning out new laws to help the people faster than the barristers and accountants can keep up.
We've managed to create a new law for each day we've been in power.

Remarkably, Labour is creating offences at twice the rate of the previous Tory administration. During its last nine years in office, under Margaret Thatcher and John Major, fewer than 500 new crimes reached the statute book via primary legislation.

Some appreciation would be nice once in a while.
Like a busy office, the sign of a good efficient government is how much paperwork it can produce
In your face, Tory losers!

Frank Field aka Judas

My back-stabbing subordinate, Frank Field has finally been exposed today on Iain Dale's blog as a Tory sleeper. I KNEW IT!
This two-faced Judas cost me my first cabinet post with his crazy ideas about single mothers on benefits.

I am not surprised that he has been covertly batting for the other side all this while.

In a comment by Benedict White
Benedict White said... Frank Field defected from the Conservative party in the 1960's, over apartied, just before McMillan's "Winds of change" speech. Had he waited a couple of months he would be one of our grandees.

This is Proof that my sacking in 1998 was as a result of a vast right-wing conspiracy.

BURN IN HELL FRANK!

Lying Dawn Butler

Poor Dawn Butler. It's hard enough being a woman without being black as well and having to put up with such awful comments from Tory Lord Snootys. Ewww.

She is backed by Diane Abbott, the only other black woman in the Commons, who said that she had suffered 20 years of prejudice. 'In the beginning, some of it was sheer ignorance. I remember being shocked when a Labour MP asked me once whether we celebrated Christmas in Jamaica,' said Abbott, Labour MP for Hackney North and Stoke Newington.

I thought must be true as it was backed up by Diane Abbott who as I've mentioned before, is very clever although sometimes uppity. However I was quite shocked that a Labour MP would ask such an offensive question as everyone knows that Christmas is an English tradition. But then Dawn accuses MPs from all parties as being racists.

Clearly the story is not true. It is a fact that there are no racists in the labour party. None. Not One. Labour MPs like myself, take great pains to reach out to ethnic minorities to make them feel comfortable. Remember how I said I regularly wear Indian outfits to meet Indian constituents? Well I didn't say it then so as not to sound like I was bragging, but I also wear afro-caribbean outfits ones when my black constituents are around too. This pleases them very much.

In fact, just to prove it. Here are some pictures of me on my 25th anniversary of becoming an MP. I invited all these ethnic minorities to Portcullis House to show how inclusive Labour is and just so they didn't feel like they did not belong, I wore my kente scarf across my jacket. Kente is a type of fabric from Ghana, which as you should know is one of the largest countries in the Caribbean!

This proves my point
QED.

Labour NEC Finances in Excellent Health

I've just been pointed to Bastard Ben Brogan's blog post last Thursday. He says

The new general secretary is said to be worried about the state of the party's finances and the rules that say his personal assets could be forfeit if the party goes into liquidation.

Basically, he is saying that members of Labour's National Executive Committee (NEC) would be liable for the loans we took from wealthy people in exchange for peerages. First of all, this is utter crap. If the labour party had financial difficulties, I, Harriet Harman as Deputy Leader would be the first to hear about it. Secondly, as my husband is the labour party treasurer, I know the party finances are in excellent shape, loans or no loans, just as sure as we all know that Alistair Darling will keep the bank of England interest rates low.

The usual suspects, like Fatty Fawkes make hay with scurrilous rumours, but what really annoys me is when our own labour party members start spreading the gossip. LabourHome, the website run by disloyal labour party member and part-time blogger, Alex Hilton, put their version about a few months ago

Do you honestly think that a committe with Gordon Brown (Britain's best ever chancellor!) Jack Dromey, Harriet Harman and Dennis Skinner among others could ever be so stupid to bankrupt ourselves to the tune of £14 million? EXACTLY!

Leadership Woes

Another bad taste article in this morning's Sun.
Gordon hasn't even been in the job a year and they are already talking about a replacement.
People should give Gordon a chance and not talk about "leadership woes" and "Labour's nose-diving poll ratings". All this negativity really does my head in.

But while we're on the subject.... what if there were to be a leadership contest? Say Gordon had a heart attack or got lost mysteriously somewhere, Lord knows it happens often enough!

Jacqui Smith is all but written off

Mrs Smith, 45, has so far failed to make her mark as Home Secretary. While she remains one of just two women candidates with a chance at the top slot, she will have to work a lot harder to win over Labour MPs and card-carrying footsoldiers, who see her as a bit remote and lacking in warmth.


Tessa Jowell is too busy sorting out the gypsies in her backyard, no one is even talking about Hazel Blears.. Harriet Harman, 57, is the only other woman candidate in with a shout. She performed better than expected when she stood in for Mr Brown at Prime Minister’s Questions last week and cannot be written off despite her reputation for being obsessed with political correctness. She has also already proven a hit with the Labour machine by winning the deputy leadership contest last summer.

heh heh!
Leaves me nicely positioned to sort out the women's corner doesn't it? After all, it is about time that Labour had a female party leader, and I am the most successful female politician the UK has ever had.

RIP Gloria Taylor

A kind and dignified woman who endured a sorrow that is every mother's nightmare.

Rest In Peace Gloria.

Mortgage Woes

Some worrying news about house prices.

The Telegraph had a story yesterday about how homes in Labour heartlands may be plunged into negative equity.

Areas of Manchester, Glasgow, south-east London and Birmingham are said to be potential "negative equity hot spots"

I hope they are just scaremongering and if not, surely Camberwell and Peckham wouldn't be affected! One of the things I like about my constituents is that so few of them live in their own homes. In fact 65% of them live in council or housing assocation owned properties.
Silly aspirations of everyone owning their own home are what caused the credit crunch. Now Peckhamites have nothing to fear from any housing crisis. This is why I strongly encourage people to live in social housing -wherever possible, let the government take care and protect you.

This is also why I continually call for more social housing. The more people that live in social housing, the more will want to vote for a socialist/labour government and a responsible person like myself planning and overseeing everything.

We Deputy Leaders are not immune to downturns in the economy you know. Although I can put most spending on my parliamentary expenses, that might become more difficult if the witch-hunt carries on. I don't live in the heart of Peckham but I do live in south-east London and for the deputy leadership elections I took out a £10,000 overdraft and re-mortgaged our home for £40,000 . Jack says that at 14.9%, the rate was very competitive and I trust him when it comes to money issues, after all he is the Labour Party Treasurer! And it was all worth it, I spent twice as much as Alan Johnson and just narrowly beat him.

Of course the repayments can be put on my parliamentary expenses so I'm not really out of pocket. I'm just saying so you know that Jack and I are a couple who always get the best deal for Johnny Taxpayer!

Harriet puts her feet up

It's been a relaxing couple of days. When Parliament is in recess we are supposed to be working in our constituencies but nobody really does that. (SShhh.. don't tell anyone!) This means that being an MP is just like being a teacher except that we get paid lots more and can't go on strike although we just might do if this relentless witch-hunt on our expenses doesn' t stop.
It would be drastic action but people would then understand the invaluable contribution we MPs make to society.

Imagine how distraught people would be, knowing that Harriet Harman wasn't working hard in parliament, creating lots of new laws and holding topical debates.

The country would fall apart!

This two week holiday, I mean recess is a well-deserved rest.

Harriet is a contender!

I'm not ashamed to say that I'm still basking in the glow of Wednesday's success at Prime Minister's Questions. I hope dear Gordon appreciates the hard work i put in for him. A few people have even suggested that I contest the leadership of the Labour Party. What? It's not like Gordon is doing a sterling job is he?
Picking his nose, Getting lost everywhere, bottling elections and quite frankly acting like a right twat!

I am a serious contender and quite frankly, I could do better!
Eat your heart out, Jack Straw!

Difficulties with White Men

I was hit by a triple whammy some weeks ago by The Express, Daily Mail (what a surprise) and The Observer, who really should know better, about my proposals to to help women and black people achieve equality at work.

Yes, it is true that my proposals will legally block white men from jobs or promotions, but this is only to make getting jobs and promotions jut as hard for them as it has been for women and blacks. Why should they have it easy? It's about time that this demographic pays its way in this country.

Now don't get me wrong. I have no problems with white men. Some of my best friends are white men In fact, and I don't admit it often, but I am married to a white man. Before you call me a traitor, I must point out that Jack is not just white but actually Irish. The Irish were a much maligned minority group when we got married and he was a very acceptable sort of life partner for those of us fighting on the frontline for minority rights!

Now that that's all cleared up, you can see this isn't some crazy vendetta.
As Minister for Equality, I have a duty to make sure that everybody is equal.
If you have 7 peas and I have just 5 peas, the solution is for you to throw 2 of your peas away. That way, everyone is happy and the balance is restored.

Difficulties with All Black Shortlists

I suppose when talking about the recent successes, I should also mention the recent difficulties.
It is not easy being Minister of Equalities I have to tell you.
You try to help people and they turn round and stab you in the back (no pun intended).

I'd been working with Operaton Black Vote on proposals to increase ethnic minority representation last month. We settled on all black shortlists, seeing as all-women shortlists have helped increase the number of female MPs, all black shorlists would be a no-brainer, right? WRONG!

Half a second after the proposals are made public, Sadiq Khan MP and Khalid Mahmood MP take a shit all over my ideas. Who are these upstarts anyway? And what do they mean by "political apartheid"?
Some people just don't understand that blacks and asians need our help unless there are pictures of hungry black and asian orphans covered in flies on our TV screens. Perhaps that's the solution?

And for those pointing out that all black shortlists would contravene the Race Relations Act 1976. If it's unlawful, I, Harriet Harman QC MP will make it lawful!!

Luckily, the wonderful Diane Abbott MP, feminist, socialist and of course female wrote a letter the next day in TheIndependent. Diane thinks they are silly and selfish, basically. Too Right!
Diane is eminently qualified on the subject of all black shortlists. For one thing she is properly black and not merely Asian. Secondly, she has many achievements. She isn't perfect of course, - she supported John Cruddas in the deputy leadership contest against me because I wasn't working class enough and I will never forgive her for that. But to give her credit, she was the first black female MP ever, this is something that even I haven't achieved yet. Also she has achieved many other things. She is still the first black female MP ever and I can't think off the top of my head what the others are right now, but she's certainly achieved them!

Recent Successes - One for the Barmaids!

Seeing as yesterday was such a good day, and I have some time off, I might as well tell you about some of the other successful things that I've done.

I strongly believe that women who work daily navigate a maze with degradation and harassment at every corner and awful bullying men ready to pounce opportunity to make life harder for them.

So I thought to myself "What can Harriet Harman, Minister for Women do about that?"
This is where it comes in handy having 5 jobs. As Deputy Leader of Labour, Party Chairman, Minister for Women, Minister for Equalities, Leader of the House of Commons and Lord Privy Seal, (surely this must be a world record!) pretty much everything is my business.

So I had a look at my Big Book of Ambiguous EU Laws. It is a goldmine for the legislator with plenty of time on her hands to make a new law or two.

I found the perfect solution - The European Equal Treatment Directive. Craftily, I used a statutory instrument so this new law does not require a division or debate in Parliament to force in regulations. The best part though is that from Sunday 6th April 2008 my new law can impose unlimited penalty upon employers for allowing harassment to happen even if they had nothing to do with it! YES!

As usual the Daily Mail Swine ever quick to uphold the rights of bullying evil men have pointed out how pub landlords can now be sued if someone calls a barmaid 'luv'
I ask you, What is wrong with that? Why should a barmaid be subjet to such humiliating behaviour?
Most barmaids are poor working class women. They need someone who knows what's good for them to represent their interests in parliament basically. They need a high powered, intelligent and well-educated woman with good social connections to take care of them.
I've said it before and will say it again, we in labour aren't afraid of being called the nanny state

No doubt the poor dears have been waiting for this law so that they can work in peace without being disturbed by the disgusting advances of lecherous drunks -and any employer whose customers try and chat up one of them can expect to get slapped with a big fat law suit!

I, Harriet Harman have single-handedly made pubs a much better place for women to work in.

I wonder if there is a way for me to get male customers from trying to chat up females in a bar. Why stop at the employees? I know I never liked it when I saw other girls being approached by strange men in the pubs. Luckily it never happened to me, but I know that no woman likes it.
Women going to pubs and bars for a drink do not want to be chatted up! I certainly never did and look how well i've turned out.
Now where's my Big Book of Ambiguous EU Laws?

The Triumph of Harriet Harman

Wasn't this afternoon's PMQs a triumph?
William Hague didn't see me coming.
This is what you get when you send a man to do a woman's job.

I would love to go through every second of it, how sweet it was. I wore my calm and soothing white jacket which I find works wonders in emergency situations.
I have also been taught an ingenious way to deal with those annoying questions put forward by the bloody opposition.
I only need to say "I won't take lectures from (insert name)" or "I won't listen to so-and-so who (insert misdemeanour)" and it works every time! What a fantastic technique, I can't imagine why Dear Gordon doesn't use it more often.

Thanks to everyone who helped me prepare. Especially Ayesha Hazarika, my special advisor, who as you know is also a part-time comedienne and has been teaching me how to tell jokes. Maybe one day they will stop calling me a humourless ice-queen as I like a joke as much as the next person.
It was tough having to memorise all those put-downs, not knowing who was going to turn up at the despatch box, I admit, I almost used the leopard print shoes put-down we'd rehearsed in case it was Theresa May but luckily I realised it was Hague just in time.

Hague sat on his front bench surrounded by the 2 Theresas and that awful, awful Cheryl Gilligan.
They started off laughing at me, and comparing me to bloody Margaret Thatcher. How Dare They! Bastards! Then I pointed out that women in the Modern Tory Party are seen and not heard. There was a great cheer in the chamber and the two Theresas looked like they'd just been chewing their livers. OH RAPTURE!

An uglier trio of women Hague could not have put on the front bench.

So it all went well and even Virgina Bottomley's husband asking a question about RPIs and CPIs (what are they?) couldn't spoil it. Clearly he was trying to show me up, but I batted his question away although Gordon might have to deal with it when he gets back.
Now for a bottle of champagne!

Peckham Precautions

The Daily Mail bastards have continued today with their hateful campaign against me.

I know this is supposed to be my Happy Blog, but how is Harriet supposed to stay happy when that awful paper insists on writing articles on a daily basis solely to humiliate and ultimately destroy me?

This morning they published my aide's pictures of me in a stab proof jacket during a police walkabout in Peckham yesterday. The pictures were of course meant only for local newspapers to show what a great job I'm doing here, not for outrageous and ludicrous accusations.

The fucking mail article, (written by two men of course) deliberately misquotes me.
"'It is absolutely crucial to have neighbourhood policing which is visible,' she wrote. 'People feel safer when there is a police presents (sic)."
As you can see below, at no point did I say sick on my website. The idiots can't even spell the bloody word, let alone misquote it properly!
Like I told John Humprhys on the Today programme earlier, it was a matter of courtesy and I often wear Indian outfits to make my indian constituents feel more comfortable. It shows just how inferior English culture is that they make women my age cover up their tummies. I wore that stab proof jacket as a matter of courtesy. You have to show respect on the streets of Peckham and that's all I was doing. Humprhys spent the whole interview laughing. What a shit. He's just another evil man who can't handle a successful woman who holds down 5 jobs at a time.

April Fools?

Misogynistic, right-wing, fat, male blogger Guido Fawkes is writing that I will not be facing Theresa May tomorrow but misogynistic (he’s had 2 wives), right-wing fat male Boris Johnson. This doesn’t make any sense, is this an April Fool’s joke? I can’t tell. I’ve already memorized all my lines for Hague tomorrow and if this is true I will have to start all over again. Obviously this shouldn’t be too hard. I have heard that Boris is a clown and a buffoon, so he probably won’t be very good at PMQs and everyone will be laughing at him when

This just goes to show that the testosterone ridden Tory party clearly have no respect for the house of commons and treat the whole thing as a joke. Putting up a Johnson instead of one of my 5 shadows is a slap in the face of parliamentary procedure. They would never dare do this if Gordon was around. This is my chance to shine and I won’t have my PMQs turned into a braying session for a bunch of Hooray Henrys.