Happy Birthday To Me

I was so morose yesterday, wondering why I hadn't received any congratulatory emails from my blog readers. I just realised that I'd clicked on "Save Draft" instead of "Publish Post".
Whoops. I never claimed to be good with computers!
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A birthday is the one day in the year, when a woman reflects back on what she's accomplished and speculates on what lies ahead in the future. Analysing the decisions , asking deep questions, e.g. "What is the meaning of life?" and so on.

Luckily I've never been given to much introspection. I prefer to congratulate myself on a job well done as often as possible.
For me life has always been about plodding on and bulldozing one's way to success. That is the secret to my unflappable yet gormless self-confidence.

Yes, people like Gwyneth Dunwoody might have begrudged me this. Sniping that I thought I was one of the chosen few, but dear readers, and I say this to you with the utmost humility : I sincerely believe that I was born to rule. I do!
Surely it can't be luck that I have managed to come so far in just 58 years?

Yes, yes, I know a lot of people don't like me and call me horrible names like Harridan Harperson or Harpy- something or other. It's been like that since I was a child when I used to push and shove the girls in the playground.

I suffered the mocking sneers of the oh-so-bright scholarship girls* as my teachers called me "not at all academic, not a jot remarkable and a bit dull". Do you have any idea what that does to a person? To have an accomplished mother disappointed that after attending the most expensive girls school in the country, I still couldn't get into Oxbridge and only graduated with a second class (lower) in politics from York University, hmmm?
Now you understand why my one goal in life now is to ensure that all unaccomplished women like myself get to rise as high as possible.

Well I showed them all, didn't I? I developed true grit.
I have proved that you don't have to be the best to win. How many people do you know who have QC after their names without ever actually practising any real law**? Exactly. And yet people continue to underestimate me at their peril.

The young whipper-snapper, Milliband has another thing coming if he thinks the Premiership is his for the taking. I always, always, always get my way. Sooner or later.

You may now wish me a Happy Belated Birthday if you please.

*Yes and where are they now, hmm? Are they about to become Prime Minister - DON'T THINK SO!

** No my days at the Civil Liberties Union were spent canoodling with Jack behind the picket line. This was so that I could eventually get union support for my parliamentary career but ssshhh.. dont tell him that!

When the Cat's away, the mice will play

Never mind the ceaseless mocking of me by Quentin Letts.
That puny little man is quite frankly a literary pygmy and his derisory attempt at "satire", has fallen flat seeing as everybody else ( ok The Mirror) has accepted that I am in charge for the week.

It all reminds me of another moment in time about 30-odd years ago, when a woman had to wrench the party leadership from an unpopular man of dubious sexuality. She too was mocked, you know.

I won't be wasting this rare chance of getting my way without having Gordon bitch over my shoulder. As he's not around and it's summer I've taken to dressing a little more casually as I go to my office in Number 10, releasing my inner slob if you like.*

Anyhoo, you might remember me discussing the need for more legislation to improve equality in this country since my not very well received** Equality Bill. Well, you've probably already heard, but I am currently working hard to make it easier for women to kill their husbands while removing the inexplicable provocation defence available for men to kill women. This is to even up the huge inequity dealt out by mother nature, that allows an angry jealous husband by sheer physical strength alone to crush his wife's skulll while the best she can hope for is leaving a nasty bruise, or taking an eye out! Well, Husbands will be sleeping with that one eye open** from now on and all because of me. I love my job!



*Also, the tracky bottoms are the only things that seem to fit these days.

** Go on Sarah Brown.... you know you want to. Just do it and you will never have to wake up to that scary smile EVER again

This IS my moment!

A question from an anonymous reader yesterday:

"Please tell us more about how you feel as a powerful independent woman, having 10 Downing Street to yourself, as a sampler of your wonderful future."

Well, since you asked...It feels GREAT!

Why just yesterday, I invited my entire family round to Number 10 to get a feel of the place and to take curtain measurements for when we move in after party conference. As you probably know, our house on Winterbrook Road is mortaged to the hilt and the incessant Fathers4 Justice campaigners are getting rather tedious now. The sooner we can leave Herne Hill, the better.

Poor Jack looked so uncomfortable in the luxurious surroundings. Let this be a warning to all of you considering marrying outside your social class.. don't do it! My weakness for bald men of Irish extraction* is what got me into this mess, but I digress.

I gave a wonderful interview earlier, wearing my lucky jacket**, batting my eyelids seductively whenever a difficult question was asked. Gordon as usual was spitting as his reckless decision not to make me Deputy Prime Minister has done me no harm whatsoever as I am a much better performer than he ever will be. Never underestimate the power of the eyelids, people. Never. I learnt that from Princess Diana who is my idol (obviously!). It works like a charm every time.

Yes, I might have denied it in public, but this really is my moment.

*with a hint of jewish, although not enough to raise any eyebrows

** Overheard: Jacqui Smith thinks that I look like a fat cow in it. This from a woman who has yet to learn the subtle art of power dressing and thinks that getting her tits out is a sign of authority. The bitch will pay, don't you worry about that.

A Glasgow Kiss

So....we lost Glasgow East.
I have to admit I am not surprised.
I knocked on the door of many a Glasgow oik, and I could tell that they were intimidated by my rank and femininity.

I had to keep an inane grin on (see above pic), as these filthy peasants slammed their doors in my face, and wouldn't talk to me unless i got a hairy Scottish oaf (Des Browne see below) to do the talking while the women kept back!


The ignominy! The SNP candidate meanwhile was invited in for cups of sugary tea. I knew then that all was lost.

The reason for this terrible result, as with most things in this country is sexism.
It is not a co-incidence that our recent beleagured candidates, Tamsin Dunwoody, Margaret Curran and even Wendy Alexander have all been women.

The men of Glasgow East, like those in Crewe clearly could not rise above their prejudice to do the right thing and vote for Labour.
Labour has done so much for this impoverished area which is quite similar to my own constituency of Peckham - I'd be just as likely to wear a stab vest around the Glasgow East council estates for instance.

With any luck this by-election result will be the last nail in Gordon's coffin and I can finally take over and become Britain's first female prime minster. I will then be able to implement more aggressive equality bills e.g all-women shortlists whenever there is a vacancy for a FTSE100 chief executive. I can assure you there would be no credit crunch if women had been making the decisions in the banks and companies nationwide.

Harriet "Jones" for PM

My regular readers will know that I have been planning to be Britain's first female Prime Minister since my first post on this blog where I proved that Margaret Thatcher was not really a woman.

It is therefore, extremely annoying when people like Guido insinuate that I've been"secretly plotting" to become PM. What secret? What plot?If you'd been paying attention you'd have spotted enough clues, you stupid men.

Isnt' it suspicious that I always manage to keep myself on the front pages, inspite of Gordon's attempt to banish me into the Outer Hebrides of the Cabinet? Hmmm?

• Wearing a stab vest to show how much I care about knife crime,
  
• Organising a hack of my own blog and then mysteriously being the first person to talk about it here*
  
• Getting those men in superhero suits to jump on my roof top (they got there again very early this morning, well done boys). This is a publicity stunt to ensure that nobody is talking about anything else but me before my 2nd take of PMQs this afternoon. Hopefully it will be as glorious and victorious as last time.
  
• Helpful articles by my friends in the media, Polly and Jackie.
  

You don't think all of this was a co-incidence do you?

Other clues have been more subtle , with the always helpful co-operation of the BBC, I managed to organise the insertion of Harriet "Jones" as Prime Minister in Doctor Who. This broadcast a subliminal message to the country that someone called Harriet will one day be Prime Minister. She is played by Penelope Wilton who is a dead ringer for me in case people get confused and start thinking of Jacqui or Tessa.

Harriet Jones is great and eventually saves the earth by giving up her own life. The BBC did insist sadly on her eventual annihilation by the Daleks (i.e THE EVIL TORIES). This is to ensure the general public was so traumatised by Harriet's Death on TV they will ensure that this does not happen in real life in the 2010 elections**.

Please Britain Please.Let me do for the country what I have done for Peckham.

*Duh.. Of course it was an inside job! This is not a spoof blog!

** And people say I don't think ahead?

My Feminist Legacy

Some of you have been ranting, asking for me to "justify" the Equality Bill.

The bill came as no surprise to those of you who read my blog regularly. I did mention it a few months ago. Anyway, here are

7 Reasons why the Equality Bill was needed.

1) My Legacy: Now that Labour may not win the next election, it is important that I leave behind something for people to remember me by.
Most people think it's just an addition, but actually my Equality Bill will replace all the previous equality legislation that has gone before it! Under the guise of replacing "complex legislation". Crafty old me.
History will be re-written and in the future, when little girls sit with their mothers in front of the fireplace asking "When Did Women become equal to men?", the mother will smile proudly, (with no mention of the suffragettes*), and reply "Harriet Harman Did That". I will be more famous than my favourite and most famous cousin, Neville Chamberlain.**

2) To increase my chances of becoming leader of the labour party: It really is quite tedious having to go through the hassle of getting elected and being qualified. Much easier to just change the rules so that a woman will be picked. Obviously there aren't any ethnic minorities who could even DREAM of running for party leadership or even (gasp) Prime Minister*** so there's even less competition.

3) To shore up my personal vote in time for the coming apocalypse: It is very important that I do something for the people in Camberwell and Peckham- most of my voting constituents as you know are female and occasionally black.


4) To end wage secrecy: Just for a laugh this one. Oh come on. What's the point of being a minister if you can't have fun with it? Haven't you always wanted to know what the person working beside or above you was earning!? I think it is important that people know these things. Unless of course it has anything to do with MPs pay and expenses in which case I will fight to the death using taxpayers money, even if it costs £200,000.

5) To avenge Jack: He was an abject failure, as Secretary of the Brent Trades Council in 1977 to win the Grunwick Dispute on behalf of the Asian Women. The least I could do was bring in a law that would help ethnic minorities and women without the evil boss dodging it by getting a favourable ruling from the House of Lords, full of stuffy, misogynistic white men.

6) To push through my all-black shortlists: I mentioned back in April the difficulties I was having. I did say I would think of a way to overcome the Race Relations Act didn't I? With any luck, there will be less obstruction this time. Pardon my language, but some of these minorities are f**king ingrates. I do them a favour and they feel patronized...as if they could make it without my help! Baffling! Sadly, not a single ethnic minority person even asked for this bill. As usual they need to be told what they want and when to want it.

7) To wrong-foot Gordon: He never wanted me to win the Deputy Leadership election you know, the bastard.
He has always sneered at women's issues and gave me the "wimmin's" department because he thought it would be powerless and I would be kept out of sight.
Heh!
And there is a lesson there for all of you who make the stupid mistake of under-estimating Harriet Harman.

Yes, yes, I know working with this new law might be very inconvenient for those of you running small businesses but I've never let that stop me and I'm not about to start now.
To be honest, being born into an aristocratic family, I have never had to run my own business and tend to avoid associating with tradespeople wherever possible. Most of you really are tedious, endlessly complaining about "red tape" and whatnots.


So there you have it, people. Seven, honest, true reasons for the bill.
Let me know how you get on implementing, okay?

*In your face Dunwoodies!
** What? Don't tell me you didn't know!
*** And so it should be, people should know their place.

Sorry!

Well, what do you know - I've been missed!
Thank you for all the emails asking for the next instalment.
I did not abandon you, dear readers.
My proxy server* broke down and I was very busy putting the final touches on my lovely Equality Bill.

I am pleased that so many people read this blog. Having said that, I am a bit worried that a good number of you come from the National Front and other white supremacist websites. Go away from my blog bad people!

Anyway, so much has happened since I last posted:
- David Davis resigned from his job as shadow home secretary and started snuggling up to Shami Chakrabati.
- We did very well in the Henley By-election, managing to beat Harry the Bear,Bananaman Owen and BOTH Independent Miss Great Britain Party candidates and I'll tell you now that everyone in the party heaved a sigh of relief!
- Some more people got stabbed in London and err... what else, oh yes.
- My EQUALITY bill, but more on that in my next post.

So yes, I'm back and will be writing more frequently as from now on.
Remember, if you're having trouble knowing when to check for updates...
Look to the sidebar on the right---------> and SUBSCRIBE TO THE FEED.






*Not that I know what that is of course!