Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Readers Letters #1

As you might have guessed, I get a lot of letters and emails from my fans. Most of them are not worth responding to, however occasionally, I will waive this rule, if I am bored or angry enough, or if the person is really, really nice. I will share my correspondence with you as often as I can.

Today's letter comes from my No. 1 Fan*

9th June 2008

Dear Harriet,
I nearly choked on my cornflakes this morning, reading about your imbroglio with Fathers 4 Justice. The ignominy!

I fully sympathise with your plight, it must be hard being Harriet Harman. I am so impressed by how in the last 3 months, you have single-handedly proved New Labour's commitment to this country's security. First of all, a thorough understanding of electronic security measures before the introduction of ID cards as aptly shown by your choice of such a secure password.
Secondly, you marvellously set a good example on the effective tackling of personal security issues, by wearing a stab vest in your own constituency. Finally yesterday, a clear demonstration of how well versed in anti-terrorism procedures our most important government officials must be, judging from the great difficulty, those 2 men in their costumes managed to climb onto your rooftop without rousing you from slumber! Presumably you left the front door open so they could get in without making too much noise...ingenious.

I do hope that you continue to grace the front page of my newspaper with your zeal and efforts. The Labour Party is lucky to have you.

I remain,
Yours Ever
Marina Ehrhart

So kind isn't she?

Dear Marina,
Thank you for your kind words. I do think you are being over-generous, at least one of those above incidents was regarded as a pretty monumental cock-up on my part, but if you didn't notice, then probably no one else did either, so shhhhh and tell no one!
It is nice to know that I have some fans out there and your emails are always appreciated. Please keep writing and let me know what initiatives and ideas you would like to see from me and the Department for Equalities and whatsits (I keep forgetting the name). Your suggestions are always welcome, especially as I have recently run out of new schemes to implement.

Best Wishes,

The Right Honourable, Harriet Harman QC MP
Leader of the House of Commons
Minister for Women
Minister for Equality
Deputy Leader of the Labour Party
Chairwoman of the Labour Party
Devoted Wife and Mother.

*I am judging from the frequency of her emails. To be honest, I can't tell if she's a real person or not. Best to err on the side of caution.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Rooftop Terrorist is still there

Grrrr.... It is Monday and the the rooftop terrorists are still there. I am now officially homeless. Unbelievable. All of Herne Hill is a buzz and my neighbours at number 22, keep pointing and laughing. These Fathers 4 Justice people really are taking things too far.

Some advice would be handy at this point. What would you do if you were me, dear readers, if some nasty oiks* climbed on top of your roof and started messing about?

I mean, HOW DARE THEY!? Jack of course, is completely useless in these situations **.

Ordinarily I would call the police, but as you can see from the picture, they are already there and doing sweet fanny adams.

It is amazing what our police service has come to. In the good old days, they would have climbed the roof, clobbered the intruders to death with a truncheon, doffed their bobby hats with a "'twas an 'onour to serve, my lady" and i would have tipped them sixpence or if they were lucky, a shilling. Now thy just stare at me gormlessly, muttering something about the Human Rights Act!

In the meantime, Jack and I will be awaiting your advice during our brief stay at the Ritz... ON EXPENSES.

*One of them is a driving instructor for goodness sake and the other is a stonemason!
**He only gets tough when he's part of a big gang, organising a strike somewhere and the other person is hopelessly outnumbered. Put him in a one-on-one situation and he'll wet himself. I know for a fact that I have kicked more ass than Jack.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Fathers 4 Justice on my F*@!$%ing rooftop.

A mysterious group called Fathers for Justice have broken into my house and are bouncing about on my rooftop as I blog.

The horror of it all!
Luckily I am not at home, but in our more secure house in the countryside away from the rabble of South London (spit!).

This has completely justified my £200,000 legal bid* to keep MPs expenses private as I said on the politics show.
Publishing our addresses is a bloody security risk!

Yes, yes I know it would be very easy to find out that I lived on Winterbrook Road without having to dig into my expenses -my gobby neighbours at number 22 and 26 have seen to that! Although one can't blame them as it isn't easy living next to a celebrity especially one as posh as me. Sigh.

But anyway, why are Fathers For Justice attacking my home?
Probably because I opposed the new measures to make sure they will be named on their children's birth certificates?
If so, well what can I say? It never ceases to amaze me how ungrateful people can be**.
I am merely trying to spare poor children the embarassment of being associated with an undesirable father. There are many people who for instance would rather not have it known that their father was a Tory MP, or had been to prison, or even worse...both. Yes I do mean you, Jonathan Aitken. Look at the damage he has done to poor Victoria, who is now a table dancing rapper and was last seen shaking her bootie on a hip-hop video. What has Fathers 4 Justice got to say about that, eh?

*It failed, but no need to worry about me as it was taxpayers money so I'm alright, thanks for asking!
** 'Tis a well known fact that the greatest prophets such as myself will alway be rejected by their own